[ chwekov ]
(i have no idea where to start this so i'm just going to start typing—)
THING ONE: boo, i truly appreciate your existence and everything about you—and i freaking mean everything. from your genuinely amazing writing and ideas to your appearance (i was going to call you adorable but i wasn't sure if you were comfortable with that but if you are you are more adorable that woozi likes to deny he is, i'm completely serious bUT IF YOU AREN'T COMFORTABLE you're still hella a+++ ok) to your low self-esteem (of which i have no idea how to help raise it but i will try my absolute best to make sure that one day you love yourself as much as everyone loves you) to (what-you-would-call) your flaws. i appreciate all of it and i fucking love it. because if anything about your existence was changed, you wouldn't be the boo we know today. you wouldn't be onyx, you know? you'd be someone else. yes, you've gone through shit i would never wish upon another person—but there's also something to learn from those experiences. it's okay to regret things and wish they were different but in the end, they've contributed to who you are today.
and boo? i wouldn't want you to be any different because you're amazing as you are.
THING TWO: i hope boo seungkwan is still one of your svt biases or else jiang and i will have to redo this profile's (quickly-thrown-together) theme so it's accurate. (also jicheol will be the death of me i swear—)
THING THREE: i promise i will give you a hug someday. an actual hug, face to face. and i'll probably cry. just a warning.
THING FOUR: it is absolutely okay to not be okay. you're human after all. and humans are the definition of imperfect (ok that was a little too salty sorry!!). please don't expect yourself to be perfect and please don't ever try to live up to anyone's expectations.
THING FIVE: there's something i tend to tell my friends a lot. its that only your opinion of yourself matters. which is true, but there's a catch—it's the only opinion that matters unless it's distorted. and boo, i don't know any other way to phrase this but i think yours is. and that's i guess why i asked jiang for help with this idea?? because i don't want to fix your opinion of yourself (since that would be rude as hell) but i wanted to help you—oh god how do i say this—to take into account everything?
you need to take into account everything when you're forming an opinion of yourself. take in all the good and all the bad. but it's also good to listen to your friends in order to make sure your opinion is distorted.
there's this really good metaphor to explain what i'm trying to say and i either got it from renn or a youtuber but here's my rendition of it:
your existence is a canvas, and you're the artist. as the artist, you know where you made which mistakes. you know the ins and outs of your canvas better than anyone else ever could know. the only thing? you know your canvas too well. which makes sense—after all, you're the artist. and as i said, you know every little last thing about that canvas because you made it.
your friends are the people who enjoy looking at the art, the ones who come along to look at the canvas you have created. they don't know everything about your canvas and, frankly, they never will. they'd have to get inside your mind to know everything about that canvas of yours.
but your friends have an ability you don't have: the ability to look at your canvas in its entirety. they're able to study the entire canvas and then give you their opinion on it. they still call the canvas beautiful, even when they may have seen some "mistakes" here and there.
and that's why i asked jiang to help me make this account and gather all these letters. i asked her because i wanted to get as many people together as possible who know you, who have seen some of the canvas of your existence (whether they've only seen a small part or a lot), and i wanted you to hear how they viewed your canvas.
THING SIX: i'm sorry for writing such a long note, boo. and i'm sorry i can't do more for you besides gather notes from people and send you sweet messages and check in on you every once in awhile.
i hope you like this book. you deserve it.
sincerely,
aj
