Sophie

Him

I watched them lower the coffin in to the ground. The skies were grey; it's was humid as hell and the rain was pouring down from the sky. To put it mildly it was miserable.

I stood in the rain; dressed in a simple black dress, bare legged and some black ballet flats. I had a black coat that I held tightly around myself as I tried to figure out what the hell I was feeling. I felt sick, nauseous, terrified, angry, relieved. I felt everything but what I felt most I wasn't sure.

It was a small funeral. She had been such a disaster everyone had slowly fallen out of our lives. People are only willing to put up with so much. She was a shitty person and an even shittier mom. But she had been my mom. She had been my only parent my whole life. I didn't really know any different. It was complicated.

I watched them begin to throw dirt on top of the coffin. I couldn't afford one of the fancy coffins; it was one of those provided by the government for people with no family. I guess bar me she didn't. And she may have loved me at one stage but the more drugs she took the more she loved those. I was a nuisance to her until she realised using me she could get more drugs.

I worked part time in a hardware store. All my money went straight to her; I tried to keep some sometimes when I needed new clothes. The local thrift store was great for that.

They were done filling in her grave. The other mourners – a handful of people really - had left. She may have been a bitch but at least she had been there.

Him – I knew nothing about. Nothing of significance. My mom had been 15 when she got knocked up with me; my dad had been 16. She never gave me any more information. I knew he was there the day I was born – I had a photo of the 3 of us and I knew he enlisted a week later and I never saw him again. He was alive just not interested in us.That suited me to the ground. I certainly didn't give a shit about him. I looked back at my mother's grave. She'd died at 32 years of age. She'd lived a miserable life and had never gotten over him. I thought of the photo I had in my backpack. I had no idea why I kept it. I was the only photo of me I guess.

A black SUV pulled up. Two men climbed out. They were dressed in black suits. They were young and before I even had a chance to look at either of their faces I knew one of them Him. My heart stopped for just a second and my blood ran icy cold. I was trying not to panic but years of living rough and in and out of shared houses I had the fine art of keeping a nonchalant face perfected. I looked back to my mother's grave. Counting their steps I knew they were getting closer, the sound of their feet was surprisingly light. Especially considering their size.

The rain came down heavier. I didn't think that would be possible and he wind had started to pick up. I was waiting for them to come close enough that I could turn and walk away with only crossing their paths for a split second. Now was my chance. I took a breath turned towards them and walked past them. Part of me desperately want to look at Him just for a minute. But I refused to give in to that. I didn't need him; and I definitely didn't want him to think I did.

I ignored the twinge in my chest. I walked calmly away. I walked the muddy path towards the pedestrian exit of the graveyard. The white headstones of the dead were scattered all around me. I was out of the gate in 34 steps. Counting them had soothed the pain and the anxiety. Counting had always helped. I'd needed that. I avoided a puddle and kept walking towards the park. 7 steps later I heard the splash of a foot in to a puddle. I picked up my pace. I was afraid of seeing Him and I hated myself for feeling this but I also was afraid of it not being him.

The wind blew stronger and lighting started to brighten the sky with its angry flashes.

'Sophie' His voiced called me.

I flinched when I heard my name coming from him. I also ignored it. Quickening my pace to the park. He had caught up to me so fast, I was overwhelmed and regretted not paying closer attention my surroundings.

The Park?? I thought to myself.

I kept walking and his pace matched mine perfectly. I was tall, I clearly got that from him. Despite easily being 5'8'' he hovered over me. Still I refused to look or acknowledge his presence. I was cold, tired, beaten, embarrassed, hurt and angry. My anger spurred me on.

'Sophie stop please' he commanded. His tone conveying that of an authoritarian figure.

I'm sure many would have stopped in their tracks at it but I snorted inwardly and kept walking to the exit of the park. I stood at the gate of the park. Whoever had accompanied Him had driven the SUV to the exit of the park. I could see him inside the SUV, waiting as is for an order.

'Sophie' a hand gripped my shoulder. I flinched instinctively and the hand was pulled back almost as if I had burnt it. I spun around and looked at him blankly.

My heart was pounding so hard I was just waiting for it to explode out of my chest. I felt light headed as I looked at Him. I scanned his face and was amazed at how much we looked alike. I had my mothers dark hair but the shape of my face, my eyes, nose and mouth was so like his. I had his exact eye colour, even the random flecks of gold in my eyes were nearly perfectly cloned from his. The pain of looking at him was something I hadn't been prepared for. Hundreds of thoughts and questions entered my mind until one came out'

'Why?' I asked. I applauded myself for not stuttering, my question was clear, calm and I tilted my chin and forced a smirk on to my face. My eyes met his and he looked dumbfounded and at a loss for words. I raised my eyebrows awaiting his reply.

'Please can you talk'

'I'm perfectly able to talk and have been able to do so for at least 15 years' I sneered at him. He looked slightly shocked at my calm smart ass response and possibly a little hurt.

'Can we go for coffee please?' he continued

'Why so you and your boyfriend can feel good that at least you brought your daughter for coffee the day she buried her mom?' I snarled at him

He reached for me and again I took a step back. He looked frustrated, more so at himself.

'That's Jimmy, my brother' he answered 'we grew up together with Del' I stopped listening. He made it sound like he was friends with my mother, that he knew anything about her. It was like the final nail in the coffin. All the emotion of the day exploded from me like steam out of a kettle.

'I don't give a fuck' I yelled at him 'do you know how fucked up this is?' I screamed 'GO BACK to whatever rock you crawled out from you asshole' he reached for me this time and Jimmy opened the door of the SUV. 'Stop trying to touch me' I continued on yelling ' Leave me ALONE, you know exactly how to do that' my voice was hoarse from screaming so loud, and I was so angry at myself for showing any emotion I was violently shaking.

He raised his hands in surrender and calmly replied to me 'I'm sorry, it's raining your soaking wet, please let me drop you somewhere I can try and explain'

'I'm fine, I don't give a damn about your explanation' I lied. The bitterness in my voice shocked even me.

'I'm not leaving you alone in the rain'

'It's rained a lot since I was born I think you'll manage' I replied

He looked up at Jimmy and they were having a silent conversation one I certainly couldn't even pick up on.

'Sophie this is fucked up but come on please' he cocked his head to the side just as I had done earlier

I was now shaking so violently with the cold I hated myself for answering but I needed to get out of the rain so I grudgingly answered 'Five minutes' I walked over the SUV and climbed in...