hi! so this was a 3 part fic on ao3, but I wanted to post it on here as well! this contains physical abuse by parent, so if you're triggered by that please don't read this. it is also depressed!zayn but it's not triggering in other ways such as self harm or anything!! I hope you guys like this and find it worth the long read! it's like twice the length of the other stuff on here! love you guys, PLEASE let me know what you think!
-Jasmine :)
The smoke filled Zayn's lungs and the tears pooled in his eyes. He didn't know what to do. He didn't even know why he was crying; yeah he felt like shit for being gay, and being kicked out of his own home didn't quite help his case- but he still didn't get it. The blinding lights flashed off and on as the music echoed in his ears. Sweaty bodies swarmed around Zayn but he just stayed still. His eyes were closed and his body was burning more than the end of his cigarette.
Zayn was miserable. He was so fucking sad that he didn't really want to do any of this anymore. He wasn't scared of death, he wasn't worried about leaving anyone behind- he didn't have anyone. Maybe Zayn just didn't want to leave himself behind. Yet there's moments like these where he realizes that he isn't much; so he still wouldn't be leaving anything substantial behind. He knows it's all dramatic and a bit depressing but that's how he feels.
He can't remember coming to the club, he was just suddenly there, full of three drinks, and now he's standing and crying in the middle of the floor. So he opens his eyes because maybe he should get the fuck out of there, but when he leaves he has to face how he feels. If he stays here he can focus on the color green and how it bounces off his eyes to the awful beat. He can stop worrying about taking care of himself because no one here is asking him to eat or bathe. It's a nice little vacation for him even though his head feels like splitting in two because of the screams and the boom of the speakers.
Zayn feels like his eyelids are holding bricks and that his legs have lost their bones, but he thinks he's okay. Someone taps his shoulder and it's so hard to turn his head at this point, so he just stands there. The sadness is weighing him down and he can't even act like he's okay anymore.
His eyes come into focus though, because the music had paused for just a second before it blasted worse than before, and he hates it. He hates that he can see dark brown eyes filled with worry right in front of him. He doesn't know the eyes, and he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to mess up this boy's life too.
Soon he feels a warm breath on his ear and Brown Eyes must be talking to him, so he tries to listen.
Unfortunately, by the time he opens his hearing to the world, the boy is already waiting for a response. Zayn just stares back at him with his eyebrows furrowed, hoping the boy will either leave him to his thoughts or repeat himself.
Brown Eyes must have chosen the latter because he is closer to Zayn again,
"You okay, mate?"
Zayn was so fucking tired of lying and deceiving everyone, and he knows that he probably won't see this boy after tonight, so he shakes his head and feels a few more tears slide down his cheeks.
Brown Eyes seems to study Zayn's face,
"L-Let's get you some fresh air," He yells over the music but Zayn still had to strain his ears to hear him.
Zayn shakes his head sadly, and motions for Liam to come closer to hear him.
"I-" His voice is weak and he feels like he's being choked, "I don't think I can walk."
Zayn honestly didn't think he could move. He knew this was a breakdown, he wasn't an idiot, but he felt like every piece of his life clung to him and pulled him down to rock bottom, and he went. Yet, Brown Eyes must have taken what Zayn said a little too far, because in seconds he swooped Zayn into his arms so that Zayn's legs were around his waist and his arms were draped over the boy's shoulders. He honestly hoped this boy would take him into the alley and shoot his brains out, but he was extra concerned with his own mental health at the fact that he wasn't even fighting him off as he felt the boy walking through the crowd.
"What're you doing?" Zayn murmured into the boy's neck and weakly swatted at the boy's back, but it wasn't doing any good.
Zayn was crying even harder now, and the strong arms around him made him feel even more weak as small as he was in his arms.
Zayn suddenly felt the cold breeze of the wind as everything he was sad about became prominent. His ears were empty except the light steps of the boy holding him, and he felt a cold wall against his back as he was set down. His legs felt wobbly and when his feet hit the ground, he hated how real it felt. Brown Eyes was looking at him again, and Zayn saw how beautiful and concerned he looked. The boy's lips were bright pink and the shadows on his face contrasted with the stubble along his jaw.
"Are you okay?"
Zayn exhaled heavily,
"Where's my cigarette?"
The boy seemed stunned at the response, and he seemed to have to rethink his response,
"I- Uh- put it out."
Zayn frowned,
"That was my last one."
The boy in front of him seemed to feel sorry and then he was patting at his pockets and pulling out a pack and lighter,
"I've got some." He handed Zayn a cigarette and he immediately put in between his lips. Brown Eyes lit it for him and then waited to see if Zayn would say anything else.
Zayn just took a few drags and looked to the ground,
"S'nice of you."
The boy chuckled and shrugged,
"It was just a cigarette, mate."
Zayn shook his head, realizing that it was still pounding.
"No it's not that. Just thanks for caring, I guess," His words sounded like a question but the boy nodded.
The boy looked around and rubbed his arms to fight the cold breeze,
"Would you like me to drive you home? It's late and it's fucking freezing outside."
Zayn bit his lip, well aware that he had to tell the truth to this guy,
"I c-can't go home," His voice was cracking with every syllable from all the sobbing he's done,
"I got kicked out a few days ago, I've been in the club all day I think."
The boy nodded down at him, but he obviously felt awful, and it made Zayn feel guilty, but he waited.
"I'm Liam Payne," He outstretched his hand and Zayn smiled- it didn't reach his eyes but at least he wasn't crying. He shook his hand and sighed before answering him.
"I'm Zayn Malik, but why-" Zayn took another drag of his cigarette and rubbed at his forehead,
"Why am I out here?"
Liam bit his lip and stuttered on for a moment, but he must have gathered himself because his smooth voice was being used again,
"You weren't moving at all and you- you were crying and you just looked small and I just had to get you out of there. I'm so sorry, I can leave you alone if you want, I'm just worried."
Zayn felt oddly... cared for. He wasn't used to that feeling and it was nice. He felt a bit pathetic but maybe he needed that.
"You d-don't have to leave. Thank you."
Liam's mouth turned into a small smile and Zayn focused on the pure kindness in his eyes,
"Do you want food?"
Zayn chuckled and narrowed his eyes as he inhaled from his cigarette,
"What?"
Liam smiled,
"Are you hungry, thirsty, anything?"
Zayn shrugged,
"Not particularly, thirsty I guess."
Liam nodded,
"Can we go somewhere for that then?"
Zayn looked at him skeptically,
"Are you a fucking axe murderer or something?" He held his cigarette at his hip and narrowed his eyes, "Luring your victims in with your charm?"
Liam laughed loudly and Zayn loved how it filled his ears for a moment,
"so you think I'm charming then?"
Zayn scoffed, but he blushed,
"I didn't necessarily say that. You didn't deny the whole axe murderer thing, you know that right?" He put his cigarette out nonetheless, standing from his leaning position on the wall.
Liam sighed dramatically,
"I swear I'm not an axe murderer."
Zayn nodded and it hit him how hard his head was pounding,
"So, Drinks?"
