Tear my flesh, drown my soul [ON HOLD]

[ there's nothing like the good old days ]

"Madeleine Lenvor, to what do I owe this pleasure?" I know it was meant in the nicest way, surely it was, seeming as it was coming from the polite young gentleman.

"Nathan." I nodded and flicked my eyes between the citrus fruits. It's been a minute since I had mothers homemade lemonade. She used to make it in the summertime. I never got to make it myself and sell it in a little stand for a few scents to strangers, mother was too paranoid to let her children do such things. Could it be? No it most certainly couldn't.

I remember that one time when Noelle got it in her eye, purely on accident, but mother still refused to give her any more. She didn't have a sip of that lemonade for two years after that incident. Things were different back then.

"We never see you around anymore what have you been up to?" He grazed by the pile of lemons until his fingers strayed over mine. For a second he held his hands by mine and I saw the look in his eyes. Desperation. It was that and it was practically oozing out of him. The hunger to get a small touch. I pulled back my pasty hand.

"Trevor is concerned about you too." He moved closer inching forward to meet my face. A rough hand grabbing me by my arm sent me back to reality.

"Trevor?" It hit me like a sucker-punch to the stomach. My gut was shouting for air. I hadn't seen his face around this part of town since that one time, that one day. I wanted to run for the hills, get out of that little farmers shop as quickly as humanly possible but at the same time I wanted to know. Was he doing good, how was he? Was he happy? But I didn't really feel like speaking to Nathan, speaking to Nathaniel as most people called him. "You can call me Nat," no Nathan I don't want to call you that.

"You should come over to my place. He is staying there too, it would be like the old days." His firm grip around my arm loosened as he spoke his mind. His hand traveled down to mine and for a short moment he even dared to interlock our fingers.
In my mind I was laughing, like old days? What a complete fool.

"I'd rather not repeat history, you out of all can understand that. Wish Trevor the best of luck from me will you." It wasn't a suggestion but more like a demand. As he moved on so would I. Time heals all wounds, that is a saying you learn to appreciate at the darkest of times. Even when floating on a pink cloud you can find an obstacle. Nathan was my obstacle back in the day but I refuse to let him be that again.

"Won't you give it a try if not for him, for me?" There he stood in between the lemons and limes with that smug smirk outshining us all. It would be the death of him. My frustration with Nathan only grew with each word streaming from his mouth. He would be clever as to leave us alone, leave us behind where we belong.

"I made that mistake once and I won't, for the life of me, do it again." A relived sigh left me as I punctured every hope of us. The wrecking relationship of Madeleine and Nathaniel. It's in my best interest to get as far away from the deadly poison that is Nathan.

He broke the contact of our hands in one swift motion. If I didn't know better I would've read his expression as hurt. The remorse wasn't there no matter how hard he searched for it. I didn't want to fuel the fire that burned down the ship.

I could've sworn that I heard a mumbled goodbye but that would have been my imagination playing a trick on me. He was too proud to leave me with that and if it hadn't been for our past, guilt would have flooded me. It was for the best, surely it wasn't destined to head in that direction. Nothing good could ever come out of that. It was doomed from the start, that's why you should always settle. Realize when the good comes around you shouldn't dream for something more, if anything you should dream of less. The best isn't always the best or most suitable for you. The good wouldn't betray you like the best, it wouldn't go behind your back like you did with the good. And standing with all the glory will rest assure be the best and what does that leave you with? The good whose now the hurt and you can't finish the puzzle when there's a brick missing. Trust.

Grabbing the four lemons I headed to the counter. I didn't necessarily plan a trip down memory lane when I decided to go grocery shopping this morning. It makes me sick to think about the past. I don't dwell in the good times, I drown in the sorrows.
I got my pass to shut him down when he screwed me over and even after everything he still thinks that low of me. It shouldn't really come as a surprise that he would do such thing considering the circumstances. I thought it was different, much like everyone else who feeds themselves that lie before entering danger zone. Now I have to live with my demons, quite literally. Just a few minutes away in a grey brick house with a humorous welcome mat that reads out piss off.

"$3.98 ma'am." Whilst handing over the cash she caught me staring. The cashier actually caught me longing for something I knew wasn't good for me. "Should I add them in?" She reached over for the oh so familiar red packet. I shook my head, wanting to resist the urge much like I did with Nathan.

"You're allowed you know? When life hands you lemons you smoke a cigarette." She ended her sentence there but I continued in my head, and pretend that it's normal for a grown adult to reminisce about her mothers lemonade recipe. I couldn't even imagine how pathetic I must've looked.

"Yes it's not like it's going to kill me." I joked and she laughed alongside with me well aware of what those were going to do to me, to my body. Please do, do end this pathetic life of mine. I beg of you. I shook out the thoughts that scared me, made me terrified for my well-being.

"You can have this for free. Go home and make that lemonade." She waved the cigarette pack in the air before handing it to me. An approving nod followed her last sentence. She took pity on me, who wouldn't? In a weird way it was uplifting, what I needed to get through.
I threw the Marlboro down the bag filled with lemons. Even though I didn't succeed the urge to fight back my addiction, lets call it what it is, what it has become, I felt a stinging sense of victorious.