It was a unusually stressful Tuesday afternoon in the Trump household. My wife was frantically giving me my notes and shoving me into the limo so I could go to the conference I had.
The presidential candidacy was down to 3 people. Bernie, the old hag who for whatever reason had young women loving him when they SHOULD be loving me, if you know what I mean 😏😏😏
Myself, I was obviously going to win. My views were perfect in every way. DEATH TO MEXICANS!!!
And of course, Ted Cruz. His views were completely erratic and stupid, but damn if people calling him the zodiac killer didn't turn me on.
I had cheated on my wife before, (obviously, who do you think I am? Mr. Loyal? Men are like pigs. More than one partner.) but never with a man. The idea REPULSED ME in every way, shape, and form. But with Teddy... With Teddy it was different.
I had arrived at the event and went strolling in with my usual swagger, saying amazing things like
"if my daughter wasn't my daughter, I'd be dating her!"
Because I want people to know I think incest is wrong, and that's OBVIOUSLY that way to do it!
I stood at my podium. There were three, each for the individual canadaites. We were going to be asked questions about the economy, how we would fix it, pollution, all that worthless shit.
I honestly just wanted to blow stuff up and live in that huge house.
I looked to the right of me and Ted was wiping his forehead with a moist towelette. I wish I was that towelette.
Ted winked at me, just as a friendly motion to the cameras, but to me, something more?
I rubbed my hand over the orange skin of my face and through the stalks of corn I called hair. (It was a hairpiece. I mean, I could grow beautiful locks like this, but who's got the time?)
Maybe I was reading to far into the wink. Teddy has a wife, and we haven't even spoken outside of the race. Yeah, that's probably it.
Sanders went first, and I shot him down with a lot of profanity and although I was on live TV and that wasn't allowed, I could do whatever the hell I want because I'm rich.
After the event, I decided to go home. None of the kids were there, and I silently hoped they had drunk a ton of bleach with their friends. It was so annoying to hear them say
"I'm starting to cure cancer dad"
"I just saved 10,000 whales dad"
"I rescued a kitten from a tree dad"
Like, God. Get a life you losers.
I had just laid down on my comfy ass motherfuckin bed when I heard the bell play the theme to American Pie. God I love that show.
Singing along to the tune, I walked to the door, silently cursing the person who took me out of my silent cocoon of warmth and no Mexicans.
(Side note: I'm lowkey using a plot my friend came up with. It's not the EXACT thing, but it was inspired by her, thx Ashley)
I opened the door and groaned, expected to see my punk ass wife back with our disgusting children.
To my surprise, Ted was stood there, looking wide eyed at me while he was doing an awkward dance with his feet.
"Erm, hello, Donald. Would you um... Look, I've uhhhh" he stuttered. I stared at him, my greasy hair falling in my face, praying that he was about to say what I had hoped he was going to for months now.
"Look, I like you. So much, I don't even want to be president anymore." He said.
I looked at him and realized I didn't either. All I wanted was my teddy bear.
Two years later
I was sat in the chair at the cafè. A lot has happened since that night Teddy came to my house and told me he had feelings for me. We both dropped out of the presidential race, Bernie Sanders winning in default. He turned out to be a pretty great president.
I divorced my wife and she got the kids and half the money. It didn't matter to me, I'm still rich. My leg was hopping in excitement for the next big move in my life. I was ready.
I had gone to the store to buy it a couple of weeks before, gathering to courage to ask. I knew he would love it, I was just scared of something coming between us.
Teddy came back with the coffees and handed me mine. I took a big breath and stood up, taking Teddys hand in mine and fell to one knee.
"Ted Cruz... Would you do the honor... Of being my husband?"
People around the cafe had their phones out, videotaping the whole thing. I knew I was being watched, so I had to be careful about what I did.
Teddys eyes started to water as he looked away.
"Donny..." (Side note: YUCCCCCCK) he started "you have no idea how much I want to say yes." My heart dropped at that. Why couldn't he?
"Teddy... Why can't you? We could be happy... Together." I said, trying to convince him.
"There's... there's something about myself... That ice never told you before. Something... Something you'll hate. You'll be disgusted by." He said, tears flooding out of his eyes.
"Teddy. Nothing. I mean, nothing. Could change the way I feel about you." I said, holding his hand to reassure him.
"Donny... I know you'll hate me after this... But... I'm 1/4 Mexican." He said, lowering his head in shame.
"HOW DARE YOU" I screamed at re top of my lungs. I couldn't feel my fingers, rage coursing through every disgusting once of my body. "HOW DARE YOU LEAD ME ON... ONLY TO TELL ME THIS! HOW COULD YOU! NO.. NO HOW COULD I! HOW COULD I EVER LOVE YOUR SORRY ASS. GO DRINK BLEACH YOU DIRTY MEXICAN!"
a week later i got a call from the hospital.
he had done it. he drank bleach because i didnt want him anymore.
Good riddance.
THE END
WHAT DID I JUST WRITE AND WHERE IS THE BLEACH
