Diary of a teenage Christian (The next chapter)

You revive me Lord; chapter 1

I just recently got back from camp, and it was weird. It was weird because, I wasn't going down to rededicate; or anything like that. This year, I was going as I'm saved, rededicated to God, and gave my life to ministry; but I needed answers.
It was only the first day, and everyone is so pumped; but I just wasn't feeling it. When we went to afternoon tabernacle, and we started singing worship songs; my heart just wasn't there. During the school year, it was pretty tough; and I didn't give God the attention that He deserved. So I thought being at camp would change my whole attitude about me, and Gods relationship. Wrong. At least for the first few nights it didn't.

This year there was a lot of young middle schoolers, that came with us. I was ecstatic! One, because I got to pick first bed; because of sonority, and two, because it'd be less drama. You're probably thinking drama, why would there be drama? If there's lots of teenage girls in one cabin, and we've all got stuff going on; there's bound to be drama. The whole "no drama" part didn't work out for me.

Tuesday, we did our quiet times, but I wasn't feeling it. I read my bible, but felt nothing; I had other things racking my brain. It's so easy to let other things invade your mind, when you don't want them too. After a while we leave for morning tab, so my church starts walking down there. We walk in, and they've already got music going, I liked it. The theme this year, was "one."
Meaning one faith, one hope, one God. Not putting down any other religions, but you'll see what I'm talking about.

Once were done worshipping, the speaker of the week comes out. His names is Acton something, I forgot; but man I loved the way he preached. The lesson was always in these crazy stories he told, like I was really loving it. I wrote down as much as I could! So the story was about setting our minds on God, and heaven; and not on earthly things. He was talking about battles that we face as humans, and I know mines in my anxiety; and trusting people. Something he said really caught my attention, he said " don't respond to things with how you feel, but step out of your feeling, and hold onto Gods truth." Then he asked us, who was on the thrown of our lives. Was it God, or other things? Mine was definitely other things, but I knew that wasn't right.

After the lesson we pray, and Acton asks the band to come back out on stage. As they're playing the music, Acton's starts saying stuff like making decisions, excepting Christ, God tugging on our hearts, etc. in that moment I felt God pulling, and I didn't know why. All I Knew was, I wasn't going. I had no reason to go. In my heart I knew what it was though. After the music stopped, I realized one of our boys went down there. I was so happy for him, and the decision he made. He chose to give his life to Christ! My church is a good weird, we usually stay behind when of our own goes down there. So that when they come back to our group, we ask them what decision they made; and congratulate them by a group hug!

Soon after, it's free time. We can do whatever until like 10 something. I walk around for a bit, make some trips to the coffee shop. Me, and my ex best friend Hannah, were supposed to be working on our friendship. Our friendship hadn't been good at all, and it hasn't been for a long time. I just felt like I was putting in all this effort, and it wasn't being given back. It was stressful, we've talked about it; but we still had lots of problems; each of our own.
Every time i'd ask her if she wanted to do something, she'd be like later; and we never got around to it. She always made me feel so small compared to her, we planned to get out license; and car at the same time. Unfortunately time was on her side, and I'm constantly reminded of it. It's been a few days into camp , and I was just fed up with the way I was being treated; so I talked to her about it. What started out as talking, quickly turned into yelling. Honestly after that argument, I was done. I was done with our friendship, I realized if I was invested into God, the same way I am with my friends; that maybe I'd see a bigger difference in me God's relationship.

The best part, was when God used me that week with the younger girls. Before the week, I prayed God would let me invest into these girls; and get know them! God came through like I knew He would. I got to hear all of their stories, and hear what their home life was like. The things they were saying, hit close to home; suffering so young. I knew I was once in middle school too, in some of those same positions; and hearing it made me cry. God allowed me to use my testimony, to encourage those around me that week; and I felt like I knew those girls on a very personal level. All I could do was thank God, for allowing me to have that opportunity; because ultimately that's what I want to do with my life! That's not the best part though, the best was that all of them have their lives to Christ at sometime that week; all glory to God man.

You know when you have a certain feeling that you just can't shake, well Wednesday night I had to shake it off. I realized I don't trust God like I want to. Like I need to. I can't go a day without worrying about something, even if I gave it to God. Somehow I go back right to worrying. Somehow God telling me that it's gonna be alright, and that He's taking care of it; just isn't enough. Most times I do things I shouldn't go, and don't do things I should be doing. That night, I pulled one of my sponsor friends aside, and told them what was on my heart. Basically what they said was that, it's ok not to be one hundred with God, because no one is; and no one perfect. Just because we're not perfect, doesn't mean you stop striving to give God your all. You'll have battles all the time, but it's about getting back up; and continuing to move. The best thing anyone can do in times like this, is to simply pray! In conclusion to that, I took what He said; and I prayed. I prayed God would forgive me, for beating myself up all the tim. I prayed He would forgive me for not believing in His word, and that He is true. He's so good to me, and loving; that can be so hard to believe sometimes.

This whole year, God brought another good friend into my life; to help guide me. Although I Lee her from church, I got to know her, and what her relationship with God was like. We got close, and when she went away to go be a camp counselor this summer. It was a bit weird, because I thought I had no one to talk to about my problems. When I heard she couldn't make it back in time, to be one of the sponsors to go with us; I was deeply saddened. When the whole Hannah situation went off, I wanted her advice. Maybe she wasn't there, but God was. I realized I wasn't putting God first, I went to others before Him. No friend is going to have the solution to your answers, only God does. He's the only one that will be there for me, through, and through.
I really loved my sponsors this year, I was so happy to see how God has moved in their lives; and how they have matured in Gods relationship. I was just thinking about how much I wanted that, to be that close to God. I know they struggle still as well, but they handle it way better than I do. God knows that where I am, is where I am supposed to be; and I have to to trust His timing.
If there was anything that really captivated me that week, was when we were in afternoon tabernacle. So we're sitting down waiting for the speaker, but instead a girls voice came from the  speakers. The girl wrote a letter to God, about how she's always sacrificing for Him, and He never does nothing for her. She also felt as if God never listened to her, when she prayed to Him; and so on. In that moment, I realized I was the girl. I too struggled with those same things.
Next thing I know, there's a huge roar, and a very thunderous voice spoke. Which of course I knew was supposed to be God. God had heard what she had to say, now it was His turn to speak. God starts taking about how He made the entire universe, and yet me question Him, the creator. Why do we question the person, who made me ? Why is it so heard for me to trust Him, and His plan? There many excuses, but there shouldn't be; because God has it all under control. If I'm going through a really tough time, whether its a common sin, or someone's dying. I have to believe that Gods got this all mapped out; and that this is only making me a better person.
Sometimes I have to stop looking at God as my friend, but as the king He is.

We got all packed up on Friday night, and when Saturday morning came; I was happy. Usually I'm sad, because we're leaving this really awesome camp; in which I was a little sad about. Aside from leaving, I was happy because I had finally got the answers; I was looking for the whole year. Now it's just the matter of living them out!

This is my favorite verse of all time. "Pay attention and turn your ear to the sayings of the wise; apply your heart to what I teach, for it is pleasing when you keep them in your heart and have all of them ready on your lips. So that your trust may be in the Lord, I teach you today, even you."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭22:17-19‬ ‭

The bus ride home was fun, and when we got back to the church, I  went straight home; and slept!