Amnesia || CalFreezy

I remember the day you told me you were leaving

Cal:

you are the best and the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me. no matter how much of a hard time i gave, you deserved it. i hate you. i hate how you fucked this up, because even though you don't know it, i wanted it to work out as much as you did.

everything about you, and about us had the potential to be something insane. you had the power to make me feel so much. there has never been a guy in my life that I've wanted to fight with so badly. i fought with you, cursed and yelled at you, because you were something i was passionate about.

every time you gave me a reason to not trust you, i let it slowly cut me and then i forgave you. i forgave you every time. you would say that my friends hated you, and for the most part they did. what amazed me about you was that despite how many times they told me that you don't deserve me, i always went back. i went back so that i would never have to live with the fact that i threw away something that felt so right. you and me felt SO right. and that assurance slowly leaked away as you kept lying and fucking me over.

at a certain point, what you did started to speak louder than what you said. it reached the point where even the most sincere words from you sounded like they could only be lies. why would he say this after doing and saying these things to other girls? and then you had me questioning myself, which someone strong should never do. you actually made your way inside of me and made me feel vulnerable... it scared me more than anything.

maybe you couldn't see any of this, because I never showed it to you. i was waiting to let you know how i felt about you for when i knew i could completely trust you, and you never gave that to me. that makes me more upset than you would think.

there were so many days when i fantasised about just walking up to you, grabbing your face and kissing you. telling you that i wanted to give everything a try. i wanted to forget all of the signs telling me you were wrong, forget about everything people said and expected of me, and go for it, but my brain wouldn't let me, and you have shown me that my brain was right.

i think about you a lot, every day, and it makes me so mad how you continue to prove me right by being a child about everything. it kills me how no matter how much i wanted you to just be mature enough to not screw me over, you couldn't do that. you stopped talking to me over something that you shouldn't even hold against me within the circumstances. but you never looked at the situation in anyone else's point of view because all i ever see you do is find other people to blame. according to you, its never your fault.

if everything you said to me was actually true, you would never want me completely out of your life, just like i don't want you out of mine. i have never wanted you out of my life and by you not even wanting to be my friend, it shows me that maybe you never actually cared about me at all.

i will never be able to look past how bad you have treated me by what you've done and how you can handle situations like a 14 year old, but regardless i will always want to be able to be your friend. that's my weakness i guess, i can't stay mad at you. i can't back away from someone who everyone say doesn't deserve to be in my life at all.

i hate you so much, but i will miss you like hell.