YOUNGJAE 영재
MIDNITE / OFFONOFF
I awake abruptly from a cloudy sleep, startled by the thick smell of cigarette smoke. I look around from where I'm lying with the right side of my face burrowed in my pillow. My blue and pink fairy lights are still on, which is odd as I remember unplugging them before bed. The lights create purple shadows that drip in every crease in the covers and in the clothes Jaebum left strewn across the floor.
Slowly, I shuffle a hand through my unwashed hair and roll over. Jaebum's side of the bed is abandoned but warm and I follow the light of the city that pours through the open window to where he is perched.
He is staring at a lit, half-smoked cigarette like it's another person, a person he feels deeply for.
I am very surprised to see Jaebum smoking. He's never done it or mentioned doing it in front of me before and I can't help but wonder if this is his first time.
I also wonder whether or not I should make it known that I am awake. He takes another long pull like he's savoring the flavor before he notices me watching him. Smoke curls against the deep, black sky and his face hardens like he's angry. Probably with himself.
"Youngjae?" Jaebum's low voice cuts across the dark room and I sit up slowly like I'm the one who has been caught doing something wrong.
"Yeah?" I ask, rubbing my left eye. I slip out of bed slowly and pad over to Jaebum, joining him at the window. His legs are hanging out over the edge, dangling a few stories high. I take the same pose in the space that's left.
He's left the screen that usually separates us from bugs on the glossy floor. I like this better, though. We aren't so far from the rest of the world. Our legs hang down into the city.
"Youngjae, I'm sorry about this." Jaebum flicks the cigarette out from his pale fingers and we watch it spin and fall to the black pavement, where it smolders red for a few moments before dying out.
"It's okay." I promise, turning toward to look at him. My heart throbs at the heat his bare skin radiates. I take note of the white leaves printed on his boxers. Jaebum can't sleep with clothes on because he says it makes him feel like he's being strangled.
"Youngjae. I didn't want you to know about this, Youngjae." Jaebum smiles softly with his lips shut and takes hold of my hand where it rests limply in my lap. I think my blood suddenly runs cold and my gaze burns, fixated on his sharp jawline in the shadowy light.
"We all have our shit, right?" I huff, forcing myself to look out into the city. We have a decent view of Seoul from our bedroom. There are no stars in the city, only artificial lights. I like them just as much. I'm not used to natural starlight.
"Spoken like a true hyung." Jaebum says through a breathy laugh. "Sorry." I groan, pretending to be mildly annoyed. Truth is, I don't know what to feel except the weight Jaebum's hand in mine.
Sirens wail far off among the towers and a drunk couple laugh loudly below. They stop outside a tiny diner and she leans against a light post. He towers over her and kisses her powerfully. She takes a fistful of his navy sweater.
Jaebum doesn't seem to be watching this scene. His eyes are concentrated on something far off that I can't see. His big fingers are slowly twining themselves in mine. That's the only way I know he hasn't just fallen asleep with his eyes open.
"You're so smart, Youngjae-ah. Please speak openly with me. I like hearing what you really have to say. It freaks me out to think that there might be parts of you that you hide from me."
I wonder why Jaebum is saying my name so much tonight.
"Okay." My voice sounds shaky. Jaebum is acting different. I still love him just as much and it's making my throat dry up and my skin feel feverish.
"Let's go to bed. I feel like I'm complicating your sleep schedule." Jaebum climbs down from the window sill and I want to ask why he feels that way. Can he feel my pulse? I shiver.
He helps me from my spot gently and tucks me up under his arm when we get in bed. The space between his neck and shoulder smells like cologne and I smile, exhaling across his unclothed skin.
"What?" Jaebum asks and squeezes me a little closer. I think I can feel his lips on my forehead and I'm so overwhelmed by the sensation that I laugh and sling my arm across his stomach. I love you.
"I just, l-look up to you, hyung." I admit. It's no confession. I'm sure Jaebum is aware of my admiration for him.
"Don't. Not for things like this. Go to sleep." He murmurs into my hair.
The moon isn't out tonight but I can see it in his eyes.
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omg i suddenly switched to first person for no reason. it was kinda fun to write like this for once tho. maybe i'll do it again, who knows. im sorry this chapter is so short!!! i really like it despite that... pls enjoy
