Larger Than Life {Remus Lupin}

3: A Lie and A Truth

Warning: This chapter has a mention of self-injury. It's vague and undetailed, but there nonetheless. This will not be a regular occurrence, and I would like to say now that Ella does not self-harm. Thank you for reading Larger Than Life.

Ella, upon noticing how much Remus picked at his food in the nearly-empty Great Hall in the early morning one day, realized how similar they looked sometimes. Hunched over, head down, dark circles underneath their eyes that they rubbed frequently either out of fatigue or a habit of distress. That particular morning, in fact, they were in almost the exact same position. She couldn't speak for why he was looking so downcast, but she kept running over the letter she had received the previous morning in her head. She hadn't read it until before bed, and the contents repelled all sleep.

Dear Ella Bella,

It would be really insensitive of me to put off your question from the last letter, so I'll cut to the chase. Mum, in recent months, has been having dangerous tendencies. I won't go into detail, but in fear of her hurting herself Simon and I decided that putting her in a secure, full-time care facility would be best. She is safe, and in all truth that is the most important thing. That is why you haven't seen her lately or received many letters. 

The reason I didn't tell you, however, is not something I am proud of. I kept this from you on purpose, and in honesty it has been eating me alive since she entered the home. I didn't tell you that Mum was attempting to hurt herself, or that I put her in a home, partly because I was afraid of how you would react. I know now that I was as good as lying to you, and that would upset you more than anything. I betrayed your trust, and I am so sorry. I am sorry for lying to you since August, and I'm sorry that I didn't take you or Terry into consideration. I have since sat down with him and told him everything, just like I am with you in this letter. 

I understand completely if you are angry and sad and confused, because it is a big change to how things have been with Mum, and also because I kept it from you. Take as much time as you need to get your thoughts together and sort out everything you're feeling. I'm sorry. 

If you want to send her letters, just send them to me with the next owl. I won't read them, but I do understand if you don't believe me. I screwed up big time with this and I know it. I'll try everything I can to make it up to you.

Love and miss you,

Leonard

She had been up all night trying to sort out all the thoughts crashing around in her head, but in the end she let her emotions run free. She cried into her pillow so her roommates wouldn't hear, but she slept none. 

As Ella sat at the table picking at her toast, she was suffering the aftermath. She was still emotional, at first distressed. She did feel betrayed. Leonard had lied to her for months about their mother's condition, and hadn't said a word to her or Terry. It didn't help in the least that her step-father Simon hadn't felt the need to mention it. It was a mystery if their Dad knew. 

Then there was her father. Ella trusted him wholeheartedly, and never expected him to lie to her about anything. He had apologized to her for not seeing Julia before she left for Hogwarts castle. If he did know, that would be actually outright lying. And the thought of both her father and brother lying overwhelmed her.

The ordeal ate at her. She could barely stomach anything, and hadn't even bothered with tea. She doodled some, but kept coming up with dark clouds overhanging everything. Ella had no idea how she would come up with something for Remus if she couldn't even come up with something for herself. 

As Ella approached the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, her stomach was heavy with guilt. Having not a single idea throughout her day, she had instead chosen a flower she had drawn before school started that waved at whoever looked at it. A tulip that made her feel a tiny bit better. She had written what she really meant when she felt very alone, and the folded note sat in her pocket until she could slip it to him.