waterfalls -an ian carter fanfiction-

chapter one

TRIGGER WARNING
song of the chapter: adam's song, blink 182

i stared at my screen. message after message of useless dribble and stale memes.

"hey that's pretty good"

"ian will you be my daddy?"

"check out my mixtape. buy it on soundcloud, that shits straight fire."

why do i even try?

"hey, is this ian?" i figured, why not reply? i guess they have the decency to check that this is me. imagine some middle class mom was in a middle of a thirty one bag party and was flooded with dozens of messages asking if they could suck her off...
"yes, who r u?"
"i'm jessie, i really love watching your stuff on youtube :)" a halfway normal fan, that's a first. they're not asking to show me what their priest taught them to do, either... weird.
"thanks" i figured that would be the last of that conversation. i guess a part of me hoped not, this had really been my first experience of a normal fan.

i got up from my chair and walked toward the kitchen. do i eat? no. you already did today. that was just a light breakfast...
do you want to get fat?
no. well i guess i should do something to preoccupy myself. i suppose i'll take a nap. i slept for a couple hours, hoping it would rid the aching pains in my stomach, but it never did. "the more it hurts the skinnier your getting" i told myself. maybe it was true... perhaps if i eat less i'll be beautiful. then maybe people will like me. they avoid me now because i'm fat. thats why. i sat in bed pondering my next moves. pondering my life, or lack thereof. i throw my covers off. i walk towards the bathroom and glance the door as i slide through. i stare solemnly at the toilet. i haven't done this is weeks... do i throw off all progress and step forward or do i give in to what's right. i need to be thin. i know what's best for me, not what anyone else says.

i fall down crippled and drop to my knees. my hands grip the sides of the toilet seat. my head hangs low, yes, this is what's right. my mouth opens and i loosen one hand and shove two fingers up my throat. i gag. once. twice. three times. nothing. i try once more and it's only spit and water. no. i realize that i haven't had anything that i possibly could throw up.
"GOD DAMN IT" i yell. hysterical tears jerk down my face. my fingers turn white form gripping the porcelain so hard. my body falls weak. the voice in my head screams. "worthless. you can't even cleanse your body from the poison you put in it. you. are. nothing." maybe i am nothing... if i can't even throw up then what good would i be to my father, my fans? i'm worthless at plumbing and shit at my videos. what good could i possibly contribute to the world?

a.n.
thanks everyone for reading my story. sorry if it's not very good... it's actually my first ever real story :) congratulations for making it this far and putting up with me.