Here I am, it's 3:14 in the morning, July 17, 2016. My mind is racing. I can't help but feel this unsettling feeling that everything is not gonna be alright. I want to scream and throw a bunch of shit around. I want to release everything I feel. Yet, I can't. I have to stay calm and collected or else everyone will look at me as if I am a mental patient. I feel like I'm not okay. I feel so off. I have someone who loves me. Isn't that enough? Why don't I feel happy or loved? Why can't I just forget the past? Why can't I forget you? I don't want to look at him and think of you. Think of every lie you've told me. I feel like I'm a horrible person. I don't know how to go with this anymore. I feel like I am just straight up lying. I feel like I am loosing it.
I just need to forget, I need to get away. I want to get away. I want to forget. But how? Everything is related to you in someway. I still have the stupid gifts I got you. I still have the stupid "Reasons why I love you" jar. Every time I look at them, I get a pain in my chest. It's like you died, but you aren't dead. You're out there, living your life, with someone else, maybe. I wish you could feel the pain I feel. I wish you could go through what I've gone through for you. Then again, I don't wish anything upon you but a happy long life, full of your greatest desires.
Warm tears are running down my check now.
I didn't think falling for you would end in so much pain. It hurts. I wish to contact you, but you'll probably never respond. I know from experience. I tend to replay our happy memories when I am alone. That's when it hits, there was very little happy memories. You treated me so horribly and yet, here I am, in tears over you, wishing for you to come back.
I honestly don't know what to fucking do anymore. Do I stay and feel unhappy or do I try and fix what has been done to me alone and continue to feel unhappy? Why do I feel less of a person? I feel so.. I don't know how to explain it.
My mind is a whirl and won't stop spinning. I don't know how to stop it.
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If anyone needs anything, message me. I know I need someone.
