She's Only Just Beginning

Part VIII

“So. You got to be inside my mind. Did it meet your expectations?” River asked lightly, turning away from the Doctor as she pulled her shirt back on to hide her anxious expression from him. He waited semi-patiently for her to face him, taking the time to slip into his trouser and his shirt; he had buttoned the shirt halfway up when she glanced at him. He spoke carefully, abandoning the shirt as he tried to express coherently an experience that surpassed language.

“It was you on such a deep level, so very you, more you than even you know. It was a lifetime of secrets and vulnerabilities, all the looks you give the world when you think no one is watching. It was your incredible bravery in the face of everything, your persistence and your quiet fortitude. It was your warmth and the way you take care of people, of me, of Amy and Rory. But River, have you ever even wondered who takes care of you?” He paused, stepping closer to her.

“The answer is quite simple, really, and I hope you’ll believe it now. Me,” The Doctor finished with a smile, stuffing his hands in his pockets and bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“You love me.” It wasn’t a question, yet River still sounded unsure of herself.

“Yes,” The Doctor agreed without hesitation.

“I could feel it. I was dreaming, and then you were there, and I could taste what you felt for me. It wove itself into the structure of my mind, melded with the dreamscape, almost as if...”

“Almost as if it were alive,” The Doctor finished softly. “River, our story, it’s happening all across time. As one of ours ends, the other’s starts. It’s a paradox, an endless paradox. We’re special, you and I. We’re both time travelers, we’re both Time Lords, or in your case human plus Time Lord. Both entirely unique in the universe. We exist outside of time. What I feel for you, it echoes through the stars, calling at the beginning and the end of time, seeing the universe through from its inception to its obliteration. Beyond everything, before and after time and space, there is you and me. And I’m not going to ask you for your future or your love, I can’t, I won’t. But mine are yours regardless.” He halted again, and he blushed, as if his brain had caught up with his mouth. Still, he forged ahead, tugging River into a careful embrace.

“I know you blame me,” he whispered, his mouth at her ear and his hands settling over her back soothingly as she started to protest. “And I know you feel guilty. Maybe we don’t deserve each other, and maybe we do, but love isn’t fair, River. We’ve made mistakes, and we’ll make more. Between the two of us, we’ve amassed enough guilt to feed legions of Monsgriths, which are, er, blind, grey canines that prey on people’s guilt. Anyway.

“We mustn’t let the anger, and the blame, and the guilt, and the other swirly, murky feelings overshadow everything else. We make our own choices, River. I mean, there may be a few events that are just a tad fixed, but your mind is gorgeous and very much your own.” The Doctor took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut and allowing himself a moment to simply breathe in the safe, alive, healthy, courageous woman pressed against him.

“I didn’t protect your mother as well as I should have. I didn’t find you in time, although that, that’s more complicated. You’re allowed to be angry, River, and you’re allowed to blame me. But I swear to you, I will always come when you call, and if you ever decide that it’ll be funny and clever and sexy to, say, jump out of spaceship, I’ll be there to catch you.” River understood how serious the Doctor was being, but she couldn’t quite suppress a chuckle. She tucked her face into the Doctor’s shoulder in a a vain attempt to muffle her giggles. Her fingers clutched at the nape of his neck, her broad smile pressed against his shoulder, her body shaking with laughter.