45 years ago...
I wake up to the sun shining on my hard, yet wrinkly skin. I blinked happily against the morning light, but realised I didn't have eyelids, or eyes. I roll out of bed and go to the mirror, and see what I see every morning. An Almond. I've always been happy with my body shape, slender neck, nice booty, yet I can't help but notice I look much different than my family.
Rolling down the stairs, I witness my mom and dad/brother baking skittles in the microwave for breakfast. I take in their appearance, where they are thin, I am fat. Where they're skin is light, I am as dark as an unwashed shoelace. I asked them the question that had been burning in my mind for over a decade.
"Mom, Dad, am I adopted?"
"Yes," they replied, before resuming staring at the burning skittles.
I decided then and there that I must find my real family.
An hour later...
As I drag the two black bags to the bin, I realise I should have been cleaner with getting rid of their bodies. Instead of using a knife to slice open my father/brother and eat his liver, and beating my mother with a bat until her lungs collapsed, I should have just burned them alive, thus getting rid of their bodies and evidence. Now I have to deal with all the blood on my new clothes. Great! Money down the drain.
I pack my bags and roll down the street onto the subway, I sit and stare at my fellow passengers, even smiling at a baby, before getting kicked off the train because apparently sucking ones thumb and forcing it into another person's nose was considered 'inappropriate behaviour'. So I killed all the passengers.
I rolled down the street, having no fûcking clue where I was or how to find my parents. I walked through a bakery, hoping to scrounge up some food for the journey to who knows where. I stopped in the doorway, and my non-existent jaw dropped to floor. Standing in front of me was the most gorgeous creature I had ever seen. Her crusty skin glimmered in the sunlight, her antennae twitched erotically, and her hourglass figure stood tall and proud and she waited in line. Her bent arms out in front of her since I'm pretty sure praying mantis' couldn't move their arms. Her long fingers clasped maliciously around her (murdered) ex-husband's body parts.
Sensing me entering the shop. Her head did a 180 degree turn, so her body was facing away,but her large, bulbous eyes stared right at me. My goodness she was a sight for sore eyes.
"Hey," I said.
Her eyes stared back at me, yet she said nothing. Instead, she slowly lifted her ex's body parts to her mouth, and slowly started chewing. This action made me drool and I imagined her claws ripping away my skin, her hard, festering teeth sinking into my rock hard abdominal area. Man, what a woman.
I strode up to her and licked her left elbow in greeting.
"What's your name?" I asked.
She only stared with eyes full of hunger. Or maybe lust. It could've been boredom I'm not sure.
"I shall call you Sweetling," I stated. Then I ripped her arm off and ate it. She let out a mighty shriek and threw her head back so far her neck snapped. Her body collapsed to the ground.
After devouring Sweetling and her ex-husbands remains, I carried on with my journey.
I must've been having a good hair day because I attracted a bird. This bird was kind. So when it swallowed me I decided it belonged in heaven instead of in this life of sin, so I went sideways down its throat and blocked it's airway. Thus killing it. Yet I still had to get out of the body somehow. And its beak was too heavy to lift. I crawled through the stomach and waited for the sphincter separating the stomach from the intestines to open up because of lack of signal from the brain to the body. While decomposing in the hydrochloric acid, I met a charming fish who gave me his boomerang as a souvenir of surviving such tough times.
I also met the wisest creature, a bunny. He was on his way to meet his drug dealer in another country when the bird decided to befriend him. While smoking his passport, the bunny taught me life lessons I shall never forget, like never lend an eraser to an ostrich, and whenever you throw a stick into a swamp, it will always sink. I pushed through the mush of the intestines and forced myself out sideways through the anus. I may have ripped the anal canal but whatever.
As I trekked through a ghetto village, I saw a hut made from almond skin that looked familiar. A couple of almonds rolled out holding hands,and instantly I knew they were my parents.
"Mom! Dad!" I yelled.
"Allie?" They said. And hugged me.
They dragged me into the hut, where I rolled a blunt with a cashew nut and injected one heroine. Good times.
There I also introduced them to the love of my life. Sweetling. I plunged two fingers down my throat and the mush that was Sweetling came pouring out. Mother and Father said we would have beautiful children together. We'd been married for 12 years before I decided that the relationship seemed a bit one-sided. So I left her for a younger sesame seed.
Sessy and I are very happy. We have 24 children who are all called Miracle because they are all abortion survivors. Sessy almost attempted sewerside once but with my threats and empty promises she decided to stay. I work as a beauty blogger and get at least 5 views per year, 4 of which are just haters. I'm somewhat of a celebrity and since I love my fans so much I decided to give back to them by writing a biography about me.
So this is dedicated to my one fan, Linker Fan Duh Walter.
