Human Connect To Human

{Concert 2} Chapter 14: The Pinnacle of Discoveries

Concert 2

Chapter 14: An Abusive Relationship

It starts out like any normal day, but when his legs won’t move, won’t get out of bed, he knows he is screwed. It starts slowly, from his legs on up, and sneaks around his mind, in the background, until he gives in. He sinks into his bed, pulls the covers over himself and breathes through his teeth. Small, deep breathes that lead nowhere; he can feel the tears forming already.

            The image that haunts him, the string of words and pounding that disturb him, return to him with full force. It’s not the same as the lady in the street one. This is much more recent. That of mother, angry and upset, as she bangs her head against the wall in an angry controlled hits. Her words over and over again, cemented in his brain, return to his ears as if he’d head them only a few seconds ago.

            “I want to die!” she yelled, “Why am I alive? I want to die! I’m useless.”

            Over and over the voice repeated the words, his head clouds just as it had that night as the only thing he could picture was his mother lying on a slab of metal, dead. He curled into his bed further, wishing it would go away. He was late already, almost an hour behind, but that didn’t matter to him. The string of words left nothing but destruction in their path and that was more important than some appearance or make up session he was missing. He pulls his feet up to his chest, clutching his legs with his arms, and closes his eyes. 

He remembered standing in front of his mother as she pounded her head on the wall, crying like he’d never seen her cry before. He remembered the cold look she gave him as he stood there, his jaw clenched, unsure of what to do. He remembered her stalking away from the house, slamming the door behind her. He remembered the phone call he received a minute later.

“I’m not coming home,” she’d said, harshly, “ever again.”

He closes his eyes and wills the voice to go away but to no avail. His mouth opens and the same things that he says to himself come out, just like they did that day after she’d left, after she’d called and after he’d curled up in bed like he was  doing now.

“Do you how many times I have stared at pain meds and wondered how many it would take to kill myself?” he mumbles through sobs. “Or a knife and wondered how much pain I can take before I’d die? Or a speeding car and wondered if I took just one more step if it would end it all?”

He inhaled through his teeth and the tears stream down his face.  Taking deep, controlled breathes; he unfolded his body from around itself and pulled the cover, slowly, off himself. Little by little he manages to get out of bed and into the adjoined room that serves as the bathroom. In the bathroom he searches through his numerous bags until he finds his medication.

He doesn’t even look at the label anymore; he merely opens the bottle, shakes it against his palm and swallows a pill. They go down his oesophagus so smoothly that he doesn’t need water. He tries to smile at himself in the mirror, make himself feel better, but he can’t. The corners of his lips pull up slightly but it looks forced, his eyes aren’t into it and his cheeks protest. He sighs and wonders how other do it, pretend they are happy when on the inside they are dying slowly. He wonders how everyone can be so happy around him when he, even on the best of days, can’t return the sentiment. The only time he’s really felt happy as of late was with Mikah but now, after telling her he was leaving soon, she might not be so inclined to talk to him.

Last night he’d fallen asleep with her on the phone, his cheeks pressed up against his iPhone. They’d talked for god knows how long, he’d lost track of time from the actual fun he was having, and hadn’t wanted to hang up. It felt nice to talk to someone, other that the band, about nothing yet everything. He could be free and say what he wished because she listened. She actually listened, even at his crappy English, and waited patiently as he tried to find the right words translated from German. She was patient, caring and, most of all, herself.