Losing Oliver

Chapter 15

As I stepped toward the door, I questioned why I was here. It wasn't my place to be here, and it would only make things worse for her but better for me. I chewed on my bottom lip in thought and stared at the hospital room door in front of me, the door to Emmy's room.

Should I do it? I thought to myself.

While I was lost in thought, the door flung open and Lucas stepped out. "Lucy, what are you doing here?"

I hesitated on telling him what I was gonna do and decided against it. "I just wanted to check on Emmy, and bring her these flowers," I spoke and shifted the bouquet of lilies that sat in my arms

Taking a quick look back into the room and shutting the door, Lucas led me away. "Luce, I don't think that's a good idea. You-," He let out a sigh and put a hand on my shoulder. "You were Oliver's closest friend, and you're so closely associated with him. It's not good for Emmy to be around you. You understand?"

"I know, I just feel horrible," I sighed. It was true. The guilt of never acknowledging the harsh change in Oliver was eating me alive. The thing was, I noticed it. Oh, did I ever. He was a completely different person toward the end of his life, but I never told anyone. "I could've done something."

~

Two weeks before his death, we had just gotten back from school. We were walking together to my front door when he suddenly began to slow down. His breathing became heavier, more apparent due to the increase of his visible breath in the cold air.

"Why are you so sluggish?" I asked, pulling at Oliver's arm.

"I'm tired, Luce. It's been a long week." He rubbed his eyes with his gloved hands. The bags that they had were bigger than the ones that business men carried through the airport on trips.

I took his arm across mine and smiled sadly at him. "You sure you're okay?"

"Lucy, drop it," He snapped at me with a glare shot toward me. He pulled at his beanie and tugged it down toward his forehead, pushing his messy hair forward.

I let go of his arm and backed off. "Fine, Oliver. I was concerned. You don't have to be a jerk about it."

Mixed emotions crossed his features, and his eyebrows knitted together. His mouth opened like he wanted to say something but couldn't manage. The way he looked right then looked so vulnerable, so weak, so unlike him. Instantly, that expression was gone.

"Come on, I need to talk to you about something." He took my hand and brought me to the gate of my backyard. Unlatching it, he pushed it open and led me through.

The creaky old swings and sandbox from when we were kids sat in front of us. I smiled at the memories of us as kids playing here. Oliver let go of my hand and sat on one of the low-hanging swings. I followed and sat on the other.

"So, what is it?" I questioned and studied him curiously. I shivered a bit as a cold winter breeze swept through the air.

The look from moments before came back, and Oliver took my uncovered hands in between his gloved ones to warm them.

He clenched his jaw then took a big breath.

"C'mon, just say it already." I urged him. He was so conflicted. It was impossible that something small could make him clam up like this.

"You need to listen. You've gotta promise me. Promise me nothing will change," He begged, looking straight into my eyes with such sadness and fear.

"Ollie, you're scaring me.." I whispered as my teeth chattered. I gripped his hands just a little bit tighter. He was acting so odd.

"There are things that are happening in my life, and I don't know how it's going to affect me. You have to know whatever happens, it's not your fault. I might not be the same person you know. I'll do things that aren't like me.. and I won't... I might not be able to spend much time around you anymore. I'll be okay on some days, and others...I won't."

"What do you mean? Ollie, please, tell me. I can help!" I pleaded with him, tears welling up in my eyes. It hurt me so ferociously inside to know he was hurting so intensely. There had to be something, anything.

"That's the thing, Luce. You want to, but you can't. No one can. You'll find out soon enough anyways. I just want you to promise me this: Don't bring up this moment after we walk out of this backyard. When the time comes, you'll understand."

"Ollie.." The tears rolled down my cheeks. "I can't.."

"You will. I know you will. Do this for me, please," Oliver whispered to me, wiping away my tears, and hugged me close. "Trust me on this."

"Don't leave me. I can't lose you," I dug my fingers into the fabric on the back of his coat and pressed my face into his shoulder.

A moment of silence filled the air before he said in a small voice, "You won't."

~

"Please, let me do this.." I said to Lucas in a small voice. I had to do it for Ollie, the real Ollie.

With slight hesitance, Lucas looked me in the eyes and nodded. "Alright, just watch what you say. Emmy's not very stable right now."

"I will be. Promise." I gave him a small smile and touched his shoulder as I passed by toward the room.

I turned the doorknob and entered in slowly and quietly. Sun shone in through the wide window across the room that contained one bed, medical equipment, a couch, and an extra chair. Emmy, looking a bit disorientated, laid in the bed. Her expression was one of both surprise and confusion when she saw me walk in. "Oh, Lucy. I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, I thought I'd stop by and see how you were doing," I replied and walked over to the side of the bed. A vase of wilted, nearly dead, white roses sat on her bedside table. "I brought you some flowers, if you'd like me to replace these."

"That'd be great. Thanks," She looked at me with her head tilted, as if she was wondering why I was here. "I don't mean to be rude, but why are you here, for real?"

I took the old flowers out and replaced them with my own. I bought her lilies because I loved them. I hoped she did too. "There's just one thing I need to know.." I began to say.

Emmy sat up in her bed, crossing her arms over her chest. Though they were pressed against her chest, I could see bandages covering the insides of her wrists. "I think I have an idea," she stopped me from speaking. "You want me to keep the secret about Ollie's abuse, so he can keep his perfect reputation. Lucas told me he showed you my letter.."

I flinched at her spiteful tone, though I was unsure if it was directed at me or Oliver. "Emmy, it's not like that."

"Then what's it like, huh? Don't you want me to take the heat of the situation? Say that I'm just insane in the brain? He hurt me, Lucy. Don't you understand?!" Her voice was gaining volume and becoming more frantic.

"Emmy, please. Let me explain." I spoke softly and calmly to her, placing a hand on the side of the bed.

Her demeanor flipped from frantic to exhausted. "Okay," she let out a quiet sigh.

"Oliver came to me a couple weeks before he died, and he told me that he might not be the same person. He never told me why, but he told me that his actions wouldn't line up with who he was. I was so confused.
"Following those weeks, I began to realize what he was talking about. He was irritable and quick to anger, definitely not traits of the Oliver I knew. You dated him for five months, even before the bad stuff happened, you knew who he was truly, and he is not that person that he was when he died."

Emmy nodded, seeming to understand. "You're right."

"So, please, please don't tell anyone what that impostor Ollie did to you, because that was not our Ollie. Oliver deserves to be remembered as the kind person he was and forever will be," I spoke breathlessly. My eyes watered, but I refused to let tears be a part of my daily life anymore. I was growing stronger, there was no need to waste tears today.

Emmy placed a hand on top of mine and smiled. "I understand. You are such an amazing friend to him, Lucy."

"I glad you think so." I smiled and squeezed her hand.

Oliver would be happy that we made amends.