nepenthe || c.t.h

chapter one

Aria -

Mrs. Harvey lived next door to us. She was the sweetest, most self-less woman I'd ever met. She lived with her husband in a two bedroom apartment right across the hall, and she always brought me cookies. My mum always thought she was crazy, but my dad and I liked her.

They weren't the type of people to whom bad things happened, but one tragic December, Mrs. Harvey's husband died. That was the first time anyone had ever seen her cry. He'd been fighting cancer for years, and it finally took its toll on him. My memories of him were limited, consisting only of a few smiles and friendly "hello's." My father had told me that even the happiest people could be sad at times, but he said it always got better.

Ironically, my father killed himself five years later. I was ten, and it'd been weeks since I'd seen him last, but I'd known he was sad. There was something about him that just wasn't happy, but I know he loved me. He was always on business trips, but I loved the time I spent with him. Regardless of how broken he truly was, he never showed it around me.
Things didn't get any better for him.

-and everything went downhill from there.

I shut myself away from the world after that. I stopped doing everything I loved. Everyone I'd known was sad, so why did I deserve to be happy?

My dad was the glue that held us together, and without him we were falling apart. I miss him more than anything, but part of me is angry at him for him leaving.

My mum wasn't any better. She said she was okay, but any idiot could see that she wasn't.
She's been in a slump since he died, a whole eight years. I stay out of her way. She always comes home drunk, and she's never alone. I've tried to help her, but she ignores me. I don't want to give up on her, but i'm running out of options.

Now,
I can't remember what it's like to not be tired.
I'm always tired.

tired of feeling this way, tired of the restless nights and thoughts constantly swarming my mind. It never ends,
-and I can't take anymore.

My mind consumes me.
I can't escape it. I can't escape the creature inside my head. It's always there to remind me how worthless I am. Just when I start to think I might have the chance to forget, it comes right back. It's always there. It used to be a whisper, but now it's a scream.

I don't even cry anymore. I'm mostly numb now. I don't react to things the way I used to.
I'm not sad because I miss my dad. I'm sad because I hate myself, and now I can't remember the old me. The Aria that was happy. The Aria that loved everyone and everything. The Aria that spoke, the Aria that smiled. -and I don't know if it's sadness really, maybe just anger. Maybe I'm angry with myself for not being good enough. I don't know how I got this way.

Happy. It's such a strange concept. I've tried searching for the key to happiness but there's so many variables and I was never good at maths.

Now, my hands grip the railing of the bridge so tightly my knuckles are turning blue. The cinderblock tied to my ankle grows heavier with each passing second, and I'm running out of time. I want so desperately to let go,
-but I don't know if I can.