I knew in my entire being that I shouldn't be riding on my bike right now. The thought has crossed my mind more than once and I don't really care right now.
the thought of my house in flames right now hurt me a little bit, not a lot considering what those two did in my house.
Yesterday I thought that I was on top of the world and that nothing horrible could happen. The cruel reality of the situation made it even more real with the burning hole in my chest.
The only two things that made this all real was the burning hole in my chest and my bleeding fist that i covered up with my fingerless leather riding gloves. I saw the park that I use to love going to when I was younger.
Using my thumb flicking on the turn signal on the back of the bike, I turn the bike to the left. once I park, turning off the engine, and getting the bike steady.
Putting down the kick stand I get off the bike with trembling hands I take off my helmet. My vision is blurred, my body wobbly, my hand trembling and, my overall being in shambles.
No matter how I try to rationalize what has happened to me, I cant and that whats going to be the leap into my insanity that I think need to get lost into.
when I walk towards the swings I feel the hot tears well up in my eyes. The feel my body anymore and I feel like i'm having an out of body experience. the feeling of looking down at my body walking thinking
'look at this pitiful woman'
The body was so shaky and unstable. blinking my eyes and sitting down on the swing I realize that I would have to see them on monday kills me. My tears finally well up enough, they start to pour down my cheeks as I sit on the swing pitifully as it moves back and forth slowly.
flashback
"come and catch me" I yell as i run around the park.
The yelling was coming out playfully, as I run away from Doug. He tries to catch me as I hide behind a tree. The laughs are heard through out the park and he catches me by another of the trees through the park.
He catches me and kisses me on the lips and whispers in my ear " i caught you princess."
end of flashback
I couldn't stand looking at the tree and, start to turn around looking at the building across the street from the park. Then a huge rain drop hits my shoulder, a second later it starts to downpour as I sit there with tears running down my face.
The pain in my fist finally starts to register in my head and it feels like a million pins pricking at my whole hand. The glove on my injured hand seems to have soaked up some of the blood from the deep gashes on my hand.
Slowly taking of the glove and examining my hand I see that my hand is swollen and red with traces of blood running down my fingers. If you look closely at it you can see small pieces of glass imbedded in my skin.
The cold rain on my hand feels good but, also burns slightly from the drops hitting it.
' well i guess i'm going to have to go to the store and get something to fix this'
I thought to myself. Ignoring the burning in my hand, I run my hands through my hair feeling the shortness. it finally sinks in that my long hair is gone.
This was the realization of maybe I do need to walk towards insanity instead of sanity.
