Written With Hearts

Written With Hearts - Chapter Twenty Seven

Yate.....

Hunched forward in my seat, I stare out into a dark space of nothingness. Lily falling into the water plays over and over in my mind, mercilessly persecuting me because I totally deserve it. I was irresponsible. My daughter could have died because of that irresponsibility. I took my eyes off Lily, because my mind was on Abby. What kind of a father lets their protective guard down, when their child is near fucking water? Me, that's fucking who. I exhale loudly, still unbelievably angry with myself; looking over at Lily who is sound asleep and safely tucked up in the hospital bed. How she can sleep is literally beyond me. I think the trauma of today has defeated my little princess. When I found her under the water, I grabbed the first thing that I felt. I think it was her top that my hand frantically clamped onto. Then with desperation, I pulled her tiny body close to mine as we floated back up to the surface. The fear in Lily's eyes as she took her first choked, watery breath, is something that I'll carry with me until the day that I die. Lily is a fearless child, but when we were helped out of that lake, she clung to me with terror in the whites of her eyes. That's an image that I'll never forget, not ever.

Rubbing my cheeks in my hands, I slowly look around with bottled up emotions knotting me up inside. I then glance back at Lily, still thankfully asleep. Fuck me, this children's ward is noisy, I think, frowning really hard as I take in my surroundings. There are unfamiliar beeps, annoying alarms, other children crying, doors forever opening and closing, the hushed chatter of other parents, noises from just about everywhere.

I slump more forward, holding my head in my hands; trying to block out every single sound. It's then that I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder. I glance sideways, blinking away my exhaustion. Tamsin stands beside me, holding out a coffee. "Here, you look like you need it." She smiles, waiting for me to take it from her.

With a loud sigh, I lift it from her fingers. "Thanks," I solemnly say, wondering how she can still be so kind to me under the circumstances. A chill runs through me, as I remember details of what happened. Once pulled free from the peril of that lake, by compassionate passers-by, I kind of went on autopilot. First, I needed to make sure that Lily was okay. A thoughtful stranger kindly gave me a picnic blanket to wrap around my crying baby. I vaguely became aware of someone saying that they were calling an ambulance, and that's when I thought of Tamsin. With Lily clinging and crying against me, I had to make the call that no parent ever wants to receive. The guilt of causing Tamsin to panic, and break down on the phone, is another burden that I'll forever have to bear. By the time that she met us at the hospital, Lily had calmed down, which calmed a terrified Tamsin. Recalling the awfulness of today, I remain quiet, drinking my coffee.

"Are you okay?" Tamsin asks, taking the seat beside me.

I don't look her way. I slowly nod, trying to act like I really am. "Yeah," I answer quietly, blankly staring straight ahead.

Tamsin doesn't say anything right away. Instead, she reaches out to touch our daughter who is peacefully unaware of our presence. "Stop blaming yourself, Yate."

My eyes lift; surprised to hear the quiet words that have come from out of Tamsin's mouth. "She could have drowned," I say with shame sticking to my reply. Feeling too unworthy to even be here.

Tamsin slowly turns her head, annoyance sitting around her pursed lips. "But she didn't. Our beautiful daughter is here, safe and sound."

My shoulders hunch, my chin dropping to my chest with another heavy sigh. "I wasn't watching her, Tams," I admit, feeling like it's more of a confession.

Tamsin smiles a knowing kind of a smile. "It only takes a second for something awful to happen, Yate. It could have happened to anyone who looks after Lily. You have to stop blaming yourself. It was an accident, they unfortunately happen all the time. Luckily for us, it was one with a happy outcome. Many others are not so fortunate." She looks away from me, grateful for the sight of Lily who is indeed still with us.