idle » styles au *on hold*

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Arizona ~

Vertigo. I was on the verge of vertigo. I took a few pills to help relieve the pain my head contained but no matter what I took it wouldn't go away. I paced back and forth like a lost child. I had no idea what I was doing but the same idea kept coming into mind. I tried to block the thought but I couldn't.

It's been a few days since he left. It just wasn't the same. The days pass so slowly. I lack of sleep and my chest contains multitudinous emotions. I am incapacitate to say the least.

I sat down on the couch. The emptiness and calmness of our apartment was a continuous reminder that we were no longer what we use to be. I just wanted to be happy again. My world was once perfect but all good things come to an end I guess.

I decided to be productive today and make dinner for myself. I opt to make his favorite meal for dinner. As I gather up the ingredients I start to reflect back on the wonder moments we once shared. I would give anything to relive those moments.

The days prior to his departure were the most overwhelming days of my life. The atmosphere contained tension and dejection. Our eyes no longer met and our lips were far from connected. "I love you" he would say. That was a lie I loved to absorbed within my heart and mind. It gave me comfort for the meantime. Now they are three words I yearn to hear once more.

7:37 P.M. It's a cold fall's night in this hectic megalopolis know as New York City. The window leading to the balcony taunts me. It's my only friend. It wants to guide me back to the world I once thought was perfect. It wants to give me a reason to be free. It wants me to be free from heartache.

Both our hearts were left open for too long and now they dwell with emptiness. We both walked on the same path but the worn out shoes we wore told dissimilar stories. It flustered me that we didn't even bother to take the time to actually see each other's true colors. Love indeed blinded us wholly. Our stories will forever be unexplained.

He is broken and I cannot mend him. I am torn myself. We are merely strangers with a shit load of history. Without him I can't be. I rely solemnly on Polaroid pictures and vivid memories to give me a bit of closure. They are now the closest thing I have to him.

I saw things differently most of the time and he didn't like that. He wanted me to see the same things he saw but little did he know that I was just a bit frightened to see dissimilar shades of colors.

We were perfect. Life was perfect but he wanted things his way and I wanted things my way. Falling in love is easy but staying in love is hard. He was balky. Our intimacy was moribund. With only one of us trying to resuscitate it, it inevitably was to fail on us.

The more time proceeds without him the more I come into conclusion that I shouldn't take this bullshit. I am at a fragile state and there is only one way I can fix this with ease.

Nightfall was rising and the wind brushes against my skin. I feel the goose bumps taking their form. I take a glimpse out the window and I absorb the breathtaking view of the never sleeping city. The lights illuminate the entire place. I glance up at the sky and then down to the ground. My heart is racing a mile a minute and I can feel the rush of adrenaline throughout my entire body. I close my eyes and inhale the fresh air. My perfect world is awaiting.

He comes to mind and prevents me from going towards it. This isn't about him anymore. This is about me and only me. He damaged me in a way he couldn't fathom. I will miss him no doubt about it but it's time.

This is it.

What are you waiting for? "Him you're waiting for him you idiot." My inside voice keeps addressing.

I shake my head in disagreement replying to myself.

The only reverberation I hear is the city cars honking. The city lights are now blear. The memories start pouring in invading my mind within minutes.

This was it.