Blaze

35. Preparations

I tell Jackie about Paradise.

I tell her about green plants and blue water and cool, lung-softening air. Tell her about the sound of birds chirping, the feel of calm sun. She listens to me (in a daze).

I don't tell her Alaina is stupid to think she'll ever reach this paradise—that anyone would be stupid to think so. It's safe and clean, galaxies away from our mess. I don't remind her that our colony lost contact with Earth during the Blaze, and has never regained it since.

"How will this end?"

I feel like there are tears trapped beneath her skin.

"I don't know," I say. "You should know this is frightening. After it's over, you'll doubt reality. You won't ever be sure anything's real—not like you were before. When we see Auz, he'll be different. Maybe he'll be dead. It doesn't matter. No matter what, it won't be real."

She nods slowly but stiffly. The bread looks coarse and burnt, arranged in fat lumps directly on a table spread, a sharp contrast to the bright banquets the Captain put on for me.

"Together?"

I nod.

She counts us down.

I lied. I let her swallow first. Watch her face calm, then clench.

Then erupt.

Her skin ripples oddly, like thin snakes are dancing beneath it. She closes her eyes and leans back her head. Her hair stands on edge. Her pupils vibrate beneath her eyelids.

---

Punched in the gut.

Punched in the neck.

Punched in the soft tissue of my heart.

Pain.

---

This is different. Not bright. Not cold. Everything the same, but slightly doused. Everything covered by a film. No matter how much I blink, it doesn't slide off. I can't see right. Something is guiding me forward, pacing my steps. I'm not sure what.

Utter silence in my mind. It's as if the Raiders are all catching their breath.

Are you there?

Is anyone there?

Jackie? Jackie, are you there?

"Cam. Cam. Cam. Cam."

Pain.

Pain laced into every syllable, every contact between lips. 

"You wanted to see me, they said. I'm all right. I'm alive. I'll be fine. I want you to remember that, later. Remember that I was all right. That I even smiled."

"Why?" I manage to utter.

"I want you to remember that, okay?"

"But it's not real." My protest is feeble. Fading. "You're dying." I've bitten my tongue. There's a bitter taste in my mouth now. Metallic and warm. "I'm supposed to find you. I promised Auz."

Heart-vomit.

"You saw that I was all right. And you decided to stop looking for me. That's what you'll tell the others."