Maybe You Saved Me

Confession

Dan-

Oh god, I'm done, dead, gone, never to be seen again. I feel my world crash down on top of me, words replaying in my head all night long. I look to my clock, 2 AM and yet I still can not get them out of my mind!

Gross

Disgusting

Fag

Diseased

Homo

Ugly

Worthless

Unlovable

The words from earlier today swirl in my brain like a reoccurring tornado. Why did I have to say what I did, why did I have too tell that person that thing? Why? Can someone please tell me why? Why me? I was loosing it, I started to cry, harder as each word came to mind.

Emo

Cunt sucker

Freak

Weird

Fat

More and more words coming to mind. I can't do it, I can't handle it, I need something to get me out of this ball of tears and shame, also know as me, Dan Howell. I run into my bathroom and sit on the ground crying just a little harder, only now its gotten to the point where I am balling and whaling. Crying out to someone, anyone to take me away, make the pain go away. I don't believe in him, but right now I cry out to God to take my life, to free me from this retched earth. I got nothing, I still sit here, a sweaty teary mess, until I see a little shiny thing on the counter, I stood up and grabed it, I touch it with my finger tip and I find out it is extreamly sharp. It wont help to long, but it will help for a little, that's all I need. I'm about to touch the sharp razor blade to my arm when I hear a frantic nock on the door and a voice I know all to well. A voice so delicate, beautiful, and worried.

"Dan? Are you alright?"

I ignore him and try to slice my rist when I hear him again, more frantic then before.

"Dan? Talk to me, why are you crying?"

'Just ignore it', I tell myself.

"Dan let me in"

This time he sounded strict, but still worried. Screw it, I thought. I slice open my wrist 1,2,3 times before he talks again.

"I am going to brake this door down!"

I don't believe him and go back to what I was doing. 4,5,6,7, I don't hear Phil's breathing, good he left me alone, or so I thought, I slice my wrists one more time, 8, when the door burst open. I freeze while looking at my best friend, Phil Lester, standing there, holding a bobby pin and looking scared and frozen. He was stuck in his place, looking at the blood on the floor, the blade that I held in my gross, pale fingers, then his eyes landed on my arm. I still cry when he hugs me, bandages me up, and takes my hand.

"Dan? Calm down okay?", Phil was crying too, "what happened?"

Should I tell him? Can I really? Will he just judge me like every one else? I sort of calm down, and without thinking, I let my mouth run, word vomiting everywhere.

" Its everyone Philly, Everyone at school hates me and you will too when you find out the truth", he looked scared, " They found out about me, about my secret, I told one person and now everyone knows. I didn't mean to tell them, it just slipped. she told everyone... God Phil, the names they called me..." I start to ball again and He holds me tight, brining me onto his lap. we embrace each other while he whispers soothing words into my ear and rubs small circles in my back. "Tell me what you told this girl please", Phil said once I was called down enough to talk again.

"A girl walked up to me, she asked me out on a date. That's when it slipped, I didn't want to lie to her, she seemed nice. I guess not because she told everyone. It was an accident, no one was supposed to find out Phil. No one."

"What on earth did you tell her to make you want to hurt yourself?", Phil asked, he was still crying because of how gross I must look right now, it brought him to tears. I just wish he thought of me the same way I thought of him.

"Phil...I'm gay...", I talk quickly, but slow enough for him to understand. Shock takes over his face, I don't think it is in a good way, but I have to tell him the rest even though he might kick me out and never speek to me again because it is so disgusting.

"Another thing, that I didn't tell her, but you need to know, Phil Lester I am in love with you, I have been for awhile.

He didn't say anything, I think he is just trying to process everything. Then he did something that surprised me, he...Cried? Why? Why is he crying more then he was before, Is it that disgusting?

"Dan Howell, you make me laugh, you make me happy, but when I found you tonight, I broke down because I did not ever want to see you like this. I never ever want to see you so upset ever again, I hate that you hurt yourself, I hate how people at school treat you, and I also hate that I didn't tell you this earlier. Dan James Howell, I'm in love with you too, I have been for a long time now."

I was surprised, relived, excited, but most of all, I was upset because I made him so upset just because I did something I now regret. I start to cry again and I managed to get out a small "i'm sorry".

Phil took his index finger and placed it under my chin, lifting my head up, he said "Don't be".  Then he did the unthinkable, after wiping a tear from my cheek, he leaned in quikly and kissed me with so much passion.

It was as though he had been holding in the erg to kiss me for a long time. I ofcorse kissed back with just as much passion and the kiss deepened. We separated, but I didn't want to. I wanted to feel every inch of his body, I wanted to hold him as close to me as possible, but all good things must come to an end. " Lets get you to bed. Okay?"

I nod my head and Phil carries me there. He set me down, kissed my forehead, and then started to walk away. right before he left my sight I called out to him. "Phil?"

"Yeah?", he replied sweetly and delicately.

"Stay?", I ask.

He just nods and lays down with me and we fall into a comfortable sleep, embraced in each other, neither one of us whiling to loosen our grip on the other. And I realize, who cares what those stupid kids say, they probably have problems of there own at home anyway. All I need is Phil, he makes me happy, and that's all I want. He is all I want.
------
The next morning, when I awake, I see Phil's precious face looking at me. I smile tiredly at him and he simply smiled back, not quite as tired as me though.

"Good morning dinosaur", Phil said in a beautiful morning voice. I just nod, to tired and stressed to reply, words from the day before still swirl in my head. Even Phil's soothing words that he whispered in my ear, the way he held me, and the way he kissed me. It had so much passion, the kind of thing that makes you want more, I never want him to let me go.

"Are you okay?", Phil asked with concern.

I then realized I was crying. It is just to good to be true, why would anyone love me. I'm gross and dumb, and ugly. It doesn't make sense...

I shake my head, "No", is all I can say.

"Oh, I'm so sorry love", he hugged me tightly and I cried into his shirt. I really don't deserve it, but right now in this moment I realize something that I didn't know before.
I never wanted to let him go, I love him more then I thought I could. No one could tare us apart because in  this moment, we are infinite.