Phil-
I woke up when I heard a loud siren go by the flat, gotta love London. I mean yeah London can be great sometimes, it is very beautiful (much like Dan), but when there are motorcycles and loud sirens waking you up at 5 am it kind of makes you want to move to Antarctica were it is quiet. I don't really mind though, as London is were Dan is, meaning London will always be my home. Home is where the heart is. Well at least that is what they say...
I turned my attention onto the brown haired boy that slept next to me. His perfect hazel eyes were closed, though I wish I could see them and stare into them till I became lost. His breathing was soft and even, his hair a little messy and he had a little bit of drool on his cheek. I didn't care though, it was just so cute. I could stare at him for hours.
My arm was tightly secured around his waist like I was scarred that if I loosened my grip he would slip away from me. He was snuggled in close to me, facing my direction. Memories from last night fill my mind and i smile to my self, if he can do that with me it must mean that he trusts me.
If I am being honest I thought that he wouldn't ever think of me in that way. I always think I am to ugly and gross for Dan, I don't think I deserve him. He defiantly deserves someone better than me, but right now I am to happy to let him go.
I look back at the gorgeous boy that lay beside me, his so called 'hobbit hair' is mesmerizing to me. His nose is perfect, whether he thinks so or not. He has beautiful skin. I love all the things he hates about himself. I just wish he sees what I see when I look at him. And his eyes, oh god his eyes, there so beautiful. I get lost in them every time I see them, its like they are a tornado that always finds a way to drag me in. I don't mind though, I could stare into his eyes forever. There are so many shades of brown and hazel. It is beautiful.
I look to his lips, they are so plump, and they look so soft. A perfect shade of pink. I lean forward and kiss him gently and sweetly, he kisses back letting me know he is awake. His lips are as soft and perfect as they look, shivers run down my spine as our lips move in sink. i feel Dans warm lips smile into the kiss and i think, 'Do i really make him that happy? Is it possible for someone like me to make someone so happy?'.
I smile too, because Dan Howell is mine, I can kiss him when I want, I don't have to worry what he will think of me because I know he loves me. i can run my hands through his perfect hair whenever I please, I know he loves when I do that. I can stare into his eyes for long periods of time without worrying that he will think I am weird. I know I love him, but at the same time love doesn't feel like the right word to describe how I feel. Maybe admire would be the right word? No, that is worse.
It then hit me like a huge train, I Philip MichaelLester am in love with someone for the first time, that someone is Daniel James Howell.
We brake apart from our kiss and I look at him and stare into his eyes, he was blushing and had a huge grin on his face that showed his dimples that I love so much. "Well good morning to you too", Dan says to me braking the silence. I nod still looking into those beautiful hazelnut orbs. I am so deeply in love with him.
"Dan?", i ask.
"Yeah".
"I think I am in love with you... actually, scratch that, I know I am in love with you", he does not say anything for a minute or two so I asked him, "Please say something Dan". he still didn't respond. I should of known, he does not feel the same way. He loves me, I know that, but i don't think he is in love with me. He then did something that I did not expect.
He kissed me passionately, I kissed back, of course. That;s not what surprised me, He got up after our kiss and didn't say a word to me, slipped on some sweatpants , then left the room. He didn't come back.
_______________
I saw Dan one more time that day he was getting ready to leave, he still hasn't spoken to me since i told him i was in love with him. He must really think I am weird.
I sigh in frustration and get up to make food. Then I change my mind, I 'lost' my appetite. So, instead of doing that I just went to my room and did what any other logical person would do in this moment. I cried.
I sit thee letting all my feelings out just crying and balling to the point I become severely dehydrated. I am so stupid for telling him, of course he didn't love me to that extent. Just look at me.
I get up and go to the mirror. Gross, ugly, fat, and disgusting. Why would I even think that I had a chance with a guy like Dan. I almost started crying again till my phone buzzes.
I went to my dresser to retrieve the small devise, then flopped down on my bed with a sigh. A small part of me hopes that Dan had messaged me that he was coming home, it wasn't him though....
My eyes well up with tears. Oh no. Oh no! Oh no! This will destroy Dan! And he thought it was bad before, I do not want to see him upset, I just can't. He does not, under any circumstances, deserve this. Especially Dan.
Dan. He is going to see it when he comes home and gets internet... So I did the best thing I could think of and I "dropped" the internet box.
Now Dan wont see what I just saw, if and when he comes home........
