(Cover by @bluekooks, thanks for everything)
It's the first time in my life that being someone else's replacement is okay with me.
I understand why he needs me. I understand his feelings and his mind. Being a tool to him, I understand that that is...
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y'all can't see it, but after this, Joshua joins Vernon in his extra-ness and it's great.
". . . maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new . . ." -Do I Wanna Know by Arctic Monkeys
"W-What?"
She's caught me off guard, the question completely stunning me. How did she find out? Who told her? Or has she always suspected me? All of these questions run through my head but I can't even form to them into words. She looks at me expectantly as she raises herself off of me and sits up straight. But her eyes never once leave me.
"Are you bisexual? Or gay? Or however you identify yourself," she questions.
I clear my throat and avert my gaze from her. This is not how I want to come out and this was never how I wanted to tell her. For a moment, I feel betrayed. This is something I feel like I have the right to decide whether or not I'm comfortable enough to share with her. I feel a bit offended that she took this moment from me. I, in a sense, felt disrespected. But on the other hand, I feel like I owe her. I owe her this truth, a truth that I've been hiding for so long.
I breathe. I feel relief flow through me as I realize that in the bright side, she's not homophobic. I have never hidden Wonwoo's relationship with Mingyu from her because they didn't want to. And I respected that. And because she didn't act out I had continued to date her, and well, now we're here. But then again, is one thing to be okay with the bisexual community, and another thing to date one.
"Yes," I answer honestly.
She shuts her eyes tightly and gasps silently. I wonder what's going through her head right now, and I wonder why she looks so upset. She stands up and flashes me a weak smile. "Thanks for being honest with me. Won't you walk me out?" I'm flabbergasted and I'm left speechless. The only thing I can do is give her a nod. I stand up as well and follow after her footsteps as she makes her way towards the door. I silently watch as she slips on her shoes. The way she does is so slow-paced I feel as if she's in some kind of trance. It's torture to watch. I feel at fault for what's happening and for the second time that day I wonder if we truly are a good match. I wonder again if I'm good enough for her.
I watch her every move and feel a pang every time she avoids looking at me. Is it really that bad that I'm bi? Or is it the simple fact that I hid it from her for so long? Is it really hiding if I she never asked? But I'm pulled from my thoughts when she looks at me again. She has her hand on the doorknob and she's already pulling the door open, her hand firmly on the doorknob when she just stops to look at me. The oh-so-familiar position makes it that much more intense. And then she breaks the silence by asking, "have you ever slept with a man?"
And I reply with what only feels right to me, but I know is not what she wants to hear.
