I used to be a writer. I was a creator. I used to be passionate about so many things. Now all I have are my opinions. I convinced myself that my talents and passions were taking up too much space, space that needed to be taken up by school. I am so blinded and obsessed with the idea of becoming a doctor that I let it define everything I do. Everything I allow myself to do.
I fell into a hole I didn't know existed when I realised what I had done to myself. I am has become I was. And what I was was what I was really good at.
I'm sitting here in the dark having just realised that I have lost my balance. I have long since lost the balance that made me me. I knew I was changing and becoming someone else but I also had an inkling that I didn't like her, the new me. She is made of advice from others and preconceived notions that she will never admit to and political correctness and fear of the unknown and fear of what she might be if she really set herself free from all the rules and drew back all the curtains.
She listens to pretentious music and tries to act too old for her age, too wise for her age, too put together. Only now do I realise I've missed my childhood. Ive missed this year. It was really only a shadow f events and smiles. My smiles are really only shadows now.
I don't even know where to start; how to get to my balance. I think that's what hurts the most – apart from just being me, because that hurts and everyday it just gets worse and worse.
I can still write. I still feel things like I used to. When I see an injustice my fingers twitch. I reach for a pen and not a hammer, I smile and love and care. I care so so much. Since Ive stopped writing Ive been pouring all of that into a world that cannot appreciate me or what I offer.
I don't really know what to write though. I guess I'll start with this. I don't know exactly when I'll decide to stop or when I'll have written something incriminating enough to make me stop but until then I'll pour myself into this – an online recollection of the way I process feelings, events and people.
A creative outlet if you will.
