I've decided to start willingly learning. That's actually one of the reasons I'm doing this, I seem to learn more and more about who I think I am by allowing my thoughts to roam into the real world.
I've been reading a lot of psychology books lately on topics like self efficacy and laws of all sorts and energies of all sorts. I guess I'm searching for the missing block. I understand this is a jounrey but its a necessary one.
I think that because I am lucky enough to have friends I can pretend a lot of things aren't happening within me, I can ignore my evolution comfortably. I am greatful for the opportunity to be grounded because, at least right now, it is having a literal effect.
I met one of my old primary school teachers with her children in the library today. We had a nice conversation and then a friend from school came and interrupted us. I could tell we were getting somewhere because she was telling me personal stories and having a decent conversation with me but I guess that this friend couldn't wait.
I then proceeded to ask this friend to lunch and as I was explaining my reasoning behind stopping and talkng to her regardless of how weloming she may seem, they made a comment that made me realise exactly how they felt about my growth and ambitions. It was a comment that not only undermined our percieved friendship but questioned my ability to become the person I am working tirelessly at becoming.
I also volunteered today and another one of my percieved friends stayed eerily quiet as I tried to talk to her about plans for our year ahead, our final year at school and a part of me told myself it was because she didn't feel ready to talk about it and the logical side of my brain told me that she was just sick of hearing me talk about it and sick of me in general.
I taught a lesson and while I know this person,different to the last, doesn't dislike me, I just kept noticing things I did wrong and now I feel like she does. I think I talk too much. But when I don't people think I'm being anti-social or rude. I have to find a solution to that I guess.
Just last week, one of my friends told me I was competitive,sly and frankly a completely different person.
I don't know how incorrect any of these people are. I want to be successful but I don't want to be a horrible person because of it. I want to be well rounded and I just want to be a good person, a good friend. Maybe I can work it out with these people, maybe not. This however, does warrant a change.
I have to relearn how to treat people. I have to relearn how to make friends. I have to relearn how to be nice person, or perhaps that last one is learn. It was effortless before.
So today has been day 1 of true self discovery.
Something I learned :
I talk too much
People don't like you for a reason.
To understand self efficacy and how to have an internal locus of control
Something kind I did:
A guitar lesson?
Volunteer work?
Something I loved:
The wintermusik album by Nils Frahm.
I guess that's the goal. Learn something, do something,love something, meditate.
I'm giving myself 30 days to learn what needs to be learned or at least get into the habit of doing it regularly.
