What A World We Live In

Depression: Chapter 1

oct-25-16

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately. I've only been angry and sad. The littlest things set me off and I can't control it. I've lashed out a couple times, well more like repeatedly. I've started crying myself to sleep again and I don't know why. Frankly it's scaring me. I don't know if this is gonna be the new me or not, and I'm praying it's not. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I stopped eating but when I do i eat very little. I rarely get any sleep but when I do i only have nightmares. I don't want to leave my room or go out or interact with anyone all I wanna do is cry and cry and cry. Lately my thoughts have been going back to my blade. I'm scared that I won't have the strength and go running back to it. My depression is slowly coming back and I don't know if anyone can help me get threw it this time.

Its funny you know, the ones you love the most don't even know that somethings wrong. All they see is a smile and a little laugh. They don't see the blank expression on your face trying to hold the tears back as your mind wonders to dark places. They don't see how that smile of yours is forced or that little laugh took all you got. When you're always in your room and don't go out they see it as you just being a teen. But in reality we don't have the strength to get up or we just want to be alone. No one sees the little thing about us, how we wear long sleeves or pants in summer to hide our scars, how we'd rather be alone so we don't get judged, how we never enjoy going out because you feel like everyones staring. People don't understand how hard it is to have depression. They don't know how hard it is to get up in the morning. How hard it is to actually to tell someone about it without getting judged or being called an attention seeker. People say "well do what makes you happy, go have fun" but the thing is what use to make us happy doesn't. Our minds wonder into the darkness thinking horrible things about ourselfs and wishing wed just die or not wake up the next day.

Depression doesn't ever go away its always there just lingering. As soon as you think its gone it comes back and hits you harder each time. Like a wave crashing against a rock. Frankly im scared of my depression. Its even worse this time, I cant eat, I shake, I lash out in anger, and I cry. But all of these things are not just hurting me they are hurting people I care about.

I remember one day in health class we started talking about depression and reading about it in our books and I just kept thinking of how this doesn't relate to me or my depression at all. Yes it said it's a chemical in your brain and yes it said it makes you sad. But it said it wasn't a big problem and it was a phase you go threw. That all you needed to do was do what you enjoy. But in reality it is a big problem 1,000 of people teens and adults go threw it every day. It consumes them. If people treated Cancer patients like they do Depression patients thousands of people would be dead. And you might think that's sad and terrible but because people treat depression victims like they do thousands are dying but by killing themselves because their depression takes over and they can't deal with it anymore

It gets even worse when you get the courage to tell someone you're close with and they blow it off but its killing you inside. They don't understand how much it took you to tell them and for them to blow it off hurts you worse an makes you feel like its not important or that you're even more less important to them then you already think.

I hate where it gets so bad that even music can't cancel everything out or makes you feel good. Or you cant enjoy a movie or even rollercoasters. I hate where it gets so bad that every time you get in a car you wish you would get in a wreck and end up in a coma so maybe then everything will finally be good ad happy.

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Dec-1-16

In the past couple of months its just gotten worse...... I started cutting again but no one knows not even my boyfriend. Like he would care anyways. He kept me under control. He was my wall, my boarder. Every time id have a bad thought id think of him and it'd go away or when I was with him nothing else came over me but happiness. We had plans to move out of state down to him moms if my parents gave me permission which they did but they said I could leave at the end of the semester. But he wanted to go down over thanksgiving break to visit his mom for a week and tell her the good news but the day before he was suppose to come back he said he was staying down there and not coming back. That was two weeks ago.... I've been doing terrible with out him here. And to make things worse he's hiding things from me and I'm 99% sure he's cheating. His changed my names from "princess" or "babygirl" back to my name and changed all of him password and wont give me them. And I found and have screenshots of a girl sending him cute bras and rings saying "want" and " cough cough Christmas". I don't know what to do. School has become hell again. And I'm all alone now. I only had him. I have no friends at all. No one likes me and I have no clue why. And to my things worse my Dr. thinks I should go to a therapist (even though I told her I didn't have depression)

When you're boyfriend is 15 hours away from you hiding things, having no friends, having to deal with epilepsy everyday, and living in a house where terrible things have happened to you is a living hell.

I've gotten to the point where I don't care if I die or live...

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My cutting has started again. Ive been cutting on my sides and thighs. Since its winter ill be wearing pants all the time so no one will know. It been starting with a few here and there. I try to resist it I really do. I try my hardest to stay away from my blades. I even threw them away so I could get away from them but some how I found a way to get more. I hate doing it but also love it. I know its bad for me but I just cant help it. It feels so good. It feels so good to feel physical pain and not having to bottle up a whole bunch of emotional pain. I was clean for about 8 months until I had a mental break down and every bad thought came flowing back. When I think of doing it I try to listen to music or watch a movie but it doesn't work
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Dec.-5-16

Schools just getting worse and worse. Each day gets longer and longer. I'm so fucking depressed man. The days just go on and on. I've been sleeping a lot lately just so the days go by faster. And my grades are going straight down the drain. I feel drained 24/7. I never want to leave my room either. I don't feel like myself anymore.

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Dec.-18-16

I haven't really been going to school lately. In the past 2 weeks I've gone to school maybe 3 or 4 times. I hate it. I'd rather just stay in bed. Lately I've been angry like really angry. I fist fought my sister and choked her because she took a video of me singing and wouldn't delete it(She's 13). It's taken everything I have not to go off on everyone. I find myself punching the wall lately too because I don'twant to hurt people I don't like it when I do. I don't really eat anymore and It's not because Im starving myself I just don't have the appetite or it make me sick when I eat.

I told my mom if school doesn't get better i want to be home schooled and she said okay. I'm also trying to get a job and get my own apartment because I think most of my depression comes from this house. I've come home from school and looked at the house and just break down in tears because I don't want to go back in. My father judges me on every little thing I do. I can't ever tell him anything because he makes me feel bad. My mom thinks she "understands" my depression but she doesn't she just tells me what everyone else tell depressed teens.

I hate the state that I'm in. I hate that it's gotten worse. I hated that I was cutting again. But I'm 2 weeks clean so far but I'm on the edge of doing it again.

I have the same blank expression on 24/7 now. I don't even smile or laugh anymore.....I don't have the strength to, I'm to tired, to weak. It's gotten so bad that I can't concentrate on anything for more than 10 seconds without my mind wondering off to those terrible thoughts. I'm so close to having a 2007 Britney Spears break down and I'm not saying it as a joke like I'm about to chop off all my hair and just say "fuck everything" I only care for one person and that one person is slowly drifting from me. My anger and depression is beyond being saved.

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**To you guys this probably doesn't seem like a big deal to be depressed but there are major things I'm leaving out just for awhile....