What A World We Live In

depression: chapter 2

Dec.-21-16

   Honestly right now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. No one is really there for me, they say they are but they're not. They say they love me but they really don't. They say I'm wonderful then talk shit behind my back, even the ones I love most. Yes you might say "well that's part of life" well screw life. It hurts a lot. It tears a person down and rips them apart. It makes them lose trust in people and makes them lose hope. I don't understand why or how someone can do that. Do they not realize that they are doing serious damage to that person? Do they not realize that what they're doing is wrong? If I died today or was in a coma no one would show. I know they wouldn't because everything they've said to me was a complete lie. "I love you", "you're the best", " you make me happy", "best friends forever", "you're pretty". All of them are just lies that just keep coming out. I love my friends, family, and boyfriend but it seems like they don't love me. They only come to me when they have problems but ignore me when I have some. They push me away, talk bad about me, insult me, they tear me apart. People wonder why I have trust issues well this is why.

Going to bed and not waking out sounds amazing because then everything would be fine, even if it was just a coma. I'd be out of everyone's way, I'd stop annoying them, they'd be happier.
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Dec.-28-16

Okay well boyfriend broke up with me and ran away with another girl but anyways today I had to go to the hospital to get an MRI done for my Epilepsy. When I got there they made me dress completely down and wear scrubs but I wasn't allowed to wear a bra which instantly made me feel uncomfortable. After I got dress they took me into this room and they gave me earplugs  and laid me down on this thing and put a hard plastic mask over my face and put me into this little little thing that made very very loud noise's. Long story short I had a panic attack and absolutely hated it 
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Jan.-8-17

I broke today. I just couldn't take it anymore. I failed. Just one little piece made it all tumble down. I got my bade went into the shower and just let lose. I lost count at how many there are I just kept running it across my bare skin. Finally letting go of all that pain held in side felt amazing. I don't regret what I did not one bit. As the days go on I keep getting worse and worse. I don't eat anymore food makes me sickk and when i sleep I only have nightmares. I'm drained I really am there's not a bit of happiness left in me. I can't stand school anymore I hate it. I down right hate it. It's hell. I hate that I'm only a sophomore in high school because I still have 2 years left.

It's bad that my nightmares are better than my actual life. I dreamed about the world going out in a pit of fire. I could feel myself being burned alive I could hear everyone screaming but I wasn't scared or afraid until I woke up. I've dreamt about dieing and killing and it never scares me or anything. But having to get up every morning and going out, talking to people, or even just waking up, scares me, drains me, makes me feel numb.

I'm trying to make new friends so I can get rid of the past. I'm trying to make a future for myself. I'm trying to get a job any job so I can get an apartment and get away from everything. Away from this horrible town, school, life. I just want to start completely new.
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1-11-17
I get very disappointed when I'm in a car and it doesn't wreck or get hit. I just sit there looking out the window just wishing and hoping we swerve. Just wish I die in the crash or at least be in a coma just to see who really cares and to be away from my bad thoughts.

I don't feel nothing no more, I don't feel angry or sad or happy or anything. I'm just emotionless. My fake laugh is even gone. Someone tells a joke I barely even smile. I hate talking to people even best friends. I don't talk anymore either. Unless someone asks me a question or talks to me first and I barely talk even then. I'm more distracted then usual and even skipped school yesterday because I didn't feel like coming. I wasn't sick or anything just tired of everything. Once I get home I go straight to my room and sleep and watch Netflix. I only come out of my room for school.  I barley eat because nothing is appetizing. When i eat food or think of it, it makes me sick to my stomach. I stare off a lot now like a lot. Even while I'm writing this I keep staring off and my mind takes me to those dark places. I can't stand the quite either. I always have to be talking, singing, watching something, listen to music, or have people talking. Because if it's quite my bad though come back and don't go away.

When I'm at school I just take notes...a lot of them I'm like 1 or 2 chapters ahead because we'll no one likes me. For real no one talks to me and no one ever wants to partner up with me because I'm a "loner" I'm a loner because every time I talk someone talks over me or ignores me and no one even talks to me, so what else am I suppose to do.

Mom asked who'd I'd like to take to the beach with us and I told her "I'm not sure yet" but in reality it's because I have no friends what so ever. While everyone's hanging with their friends and laughing I'm stuck at home alone. So guess who's going to the beach alone this year!...
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Jan.-13-17

Today is Friday the 13th....last time we had a Friday the 13th I got into a really good relationship the best one. I was finally happy. He became my happiness. But that all came crashing down 7 months later. I lost everything when I lost him. My happiness, the reason to come to school, the reason I got out of bed, my appetite, my smile, my laugh, we'll basically everything but that's okay because I don't need a man right?

I went to the doctors a couple weeks ago and I weighed 106.6 now I belive I weigh even less because I don't eat. I don't find food good anymore. It's nasty and it makes me sick.

I hate going to class I dread it. It takes everything I have just to get on the bus. It stresses me out and makes me more depressed and it makes my anxiety worse. Test stress me out more than anything because I know if I do bad on the it's gonna take and couple 100s and it's hard just to get an 85. I'd rather be doing anything then be here. School seriously makes me want to kill myself. People Hate me here. They pretend they like me then talk shit as soon as I leave. No one in this school actually generally like me.
And I have no clue why all these nice guys get with bitches that treat them badly or treats them like they don't exist.
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1-17-17
So last night I was close to cutting again. I got my box and got in the shower and opened it to get my razor and they were gone. No one knows where they're at. I found one where my box was sitting but 4 are gone. And I'm kinda freaking out. I don't know if that just fell out of the box or someone found em and took em.
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Jan.-18-17
I'm in 2nd once again and still don't have anyone to talk to. I'm a loner filled in a room of rednecks and preps. This class makes me want to kill myself even more than I want to already. I only joined this class because my Ex did but he moved and now I'm stuck. There were no mare classes to transfer in so I'm stuck in this stupid class. I just got done with a text I know I failed. There were 40 questions and I new like 20 you need a 70% to pass and I know for a fact I didn't even get that.

So lately I've made a new friend. He's actually pretty chill and funny. Honestly I was kinda nervous to talk to him since he's upperclassmen but we've gotten a lot closet in the 2 days we've know each other. I actually feel comfortable talking to him about anything and I don't feel like I'm annoying him when I do. It's felt pretty good having a new friend. Because most of my all friends except for 3 are all backstabbers and liers. So new friends are for the best but there are only 3 that I would never get rid of.

I've missed 2 days of school so far and is only allowed to miss 3 more for the rest of the year weeellll I'm not gonna really come to school anymore after this month because we'll school sucks and make my depression and anxiety worse.

After school today I have to get blood work done. I hate it and not because of the needle or blood, I'm use to all that. I hate it because it takes so long to get it done. This year so far I've had 3 needles in me freaking 3 but owell that's how it goes. Wish me luck.