The Night Walkers

What kind of walker are you?

Betcha never thought about the  different types of walking
First you got your fast walkers who always walk like they have somewhere important to be
Your slow walkers the folks who like to stop and smell the roses (driving those guys who on fast forward crazy)

Then there are the morning walkers
Early riser high achiever type people
Those who actually get out of bed early enough to do something productive before work instead of rolling out of bed after the fifth alarm

Then you have your night walkers
Night walkers
Also known as the Insomniacs
Those who don't know anything else to do but walk
They can't sleep so they walk
They aren't afraid of the dark or what lies in the shadows cuz they've already expierenced worse than the monsters their imagination ever could create

I am one of those night walkers
My mind so full of thoughts
Thoughts ideas
Ideas I can't say out loud
Ideas I can't  write down
They are just up there filling my brain keeping me awake
Making me walk at night
At night
Where I'm not scared of the monsters
I can't be scared of the monsters the ugliest one of all has already reared its horrifying face at me
the monster
The monster of depression
If one could even compare such a disease to a monster
It's more like a tidal wave
A repetitive tidal wave that was determined to pull me under
Determine to make me a perpetual night walker
Wondering around in the dark with
no
general
direction
No idea where I was going
or why I was going there
Or why I am even here
What am I doing here
What's the point
Am I just going to wander forever
Forever running
No place was safe
Even in the company of others that hunter
That Never ending tidal wave
Full of my worst fears
My biggest anxieties
yelled at me
You're not good enough
You'll never be
You can't compare to anyone you're so below them
You can't commit
You can't love

No one
loves
you

No one could love you!
And I just want To sleep
To sleep and stop this walking
Sleep
relief
Relief of life
Release to elsewhere
but
knowing
I
couldn't
sleep
Can't sleep
Can't rest
Constantly fighting
Constantly running from that ugly faced monster with an unwavering purpose of killing my ambitions
I felt I slept if I closed my eyes for a second
One second was all it would need
It would take me
I would drown in those fears and anxieties
So I kept fighting
Not sleeping
Kept pushing

But I'm tired of pushing
Pushing and getting nowhere
One step forward five steps back  I'm done fighting
Im done running
I'm done wandering

That's what I ran right into Prince Charming
He took it all away
He fought my monster
He held back the tidal wave
Instead of being pounded by tons of constant Rapids
I was showered with flowers
Flowers made of beautiful words
Beautiful words that formed compliments that my ears had never heard
Sweet nothings my ears never thought they would hear
You're beautiful
You're smart
You're amazing
You're my favorite
I
Love
You
I was floating
Floating on a cloud composed of the sweet nothings
I never felt so happy so full
So I gave him my everything
And he took it
He took it and left
Left me with nothing
Less than I even had before
Less than I ever thought I could have

Turns out those sweet nothings were nothing
Empty promises
Empty words
Bargaining chips to get what he wanted
All he wanted
To take my everything
And take he did
Leaving me empty
Empty
lost
wandering
again
in the dark
Alone completely
Alone
The tidal wave grew
It now screamed
You slut
You're so stupid
You fell for his lies
All lies
No one thinks that about you
No one could think such things bout you
You're filth
You're not good enough

No
One
Loves
You

I couldn't fight it
Not anymore
I lost my willpower
I had no willpower
He took that too
My boundaries were crossed
Everything destroyed so I let it destroy me
I let the monster force feed me pills
A whole bottle of pills
Ones To end it
End it for good
Let the wave wash over me and forget
Forget forever
Finally sleep
Sleep for real
Sleep forever

But it wasn't my fate to sleep forever
I was found
They found me
Just in time they said
Two mins later and I would've been gone
I wouldn't be standing here today
Telling you this story
This terribly depressing story
That isn't meant to depress you
It's meant to show you
Show you it's possible
Possible to fight the wave
The monster
The disease

But you can't
do it alone
You can't ever fight alone
You need an army
My army turned out to be my friends
Friends who were standing in the wings ready as reinforcements
Reinforcements I never called
Because I never knew I had

I never knew someone truly cared
Someone actually cared
My friends cared
My friends loved me
My friends were willing to fight with me
And fight they did
Everyday in that hospital as the pills were pumped out my system they stood by me
Keeping me strong
Protecting me
Loving me
Fighting for me

Find your army
Don't fight alone