Lost love

Chapter two

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break" – William Shakespeare

I open the fridge to grab something to eat, but to my disappointment it is as empty as the cupboards. No dinner for me again. My eyes land on a bag of chips and instantly I feel my stomach rumble. I grab it and eat the chips in seconds; throw the bag somewhere in the kitchen and my hunger still hasn't died down. The house is a total clutter. The overwhelming stench of a mixture of beer, sex and pot makes me want to gag. There are piles of clothes everywhere on the floor and the computer is smashed to pieces from yesterday's fight. I remember a time where everything was perfectly organized. For one, you could see the floor – which I can't seem to remember what color it is now. The smell of fresh clothes was put neatly together in a basket, ready to be put in the hangers of our closet. Now, I spray perfume over my shirt and sometimes it's bad, especially when it collides with my sweat. Our home had our own nice smell, like every other home had but as I'm standing here it smells like a garbage can that stands on a hot, humid summer day – sour and just awful.

"Hey baby girl," my mom says as she takes a drag like her life depends on it, and expels the smoke slowly. Her plain brown hair is sticking up in every direction possible, and her smudgy makeup reveals her freckles that goes along her cheeks and nose. I always loved her freckles. They made her quite charming back then when she was a normal human being. Her lack of taking care of herself shows, when her arms lift revealing her armpit hair and a little moustache has formed. Had she seen herself two years ago, she would've been ashamed of herself and thought about what the town would say behind her back. Especially her fake gossipy friends that she would put us as a picture perfect family for and plaster a phony smile on her face pretending that the world was made of cotton candy. She diverts her gaze to a fifty-year-old man sitting beside her with only boxers on and it's so disturbing that I want to vomit in my mouth. Yet, he is sitting on the stained couch carelessly ready to fall asleep anytime now. I think they just had sex.

"What's that around your neck?" My mother asks breaking the image I had of her riding him out. She points to the ace bandage that is wrapped around my neck. Her question startles me and my hand instinctively touches the bandage. I instantly get another dreadful sight in front of me. "It's nothing really," I say trying not to stutter my words. "I just hurt my neck while sleeping". I hope she buys it. She holds my eyes with hers, a second passes and she lets go, and I can finally breathe.

A burning question sticks in my head but I can never say the words to her directly. How can she notice the bandage around my neck but see through everything else? That's her, my mother, oblivious to everything but herself.

"Come here." She waves her boney hand to me and I take careful steps towards her. Before I can comprehend what is happening she has pushed me down so I'm sitting on her lap and a flashback of yesterday when she was touching me hit me. What hit me even more was her smell. Smoke and beer doesn't mix well together.

"How did my girl get so beautiful?" She whispers quietly to herself. Her hand travels to my hair and her glowing eyes are penetrating me. "This hair color looks good on you," she says as if she has seen it for the first time. It pains me to say that I have had it for almost two years – just after she turned this way.

"I'm heading out for a while." I break the deep moment she had with herself and try to remove myself from her lap. Her arms hold a tight grip around me, I can't get off of her and when I look at her eyes I can see that she has zoned out. She's staring straight at the white wall across from us; I wave my hand in front of her face but she can't seem to snap out of it. I clamp my hands on hers and with a tight hold I tear her away from me. She falls back onto the couch, gets up quickly and says, "what?"