November 23rd, 2015
I have a question, for whoever's reading. Have you ever been caught in a situation where you were disappointed, and you tried telling yourself that it was okay, it's not a big deal, but you couldn't because you knew that if it had worked out, you would have been more overwhelmingly excited than ever? Caught in a situation where you wanted to lie to yourself, to make it seem like nothing mattered to you, like you weren't being a fool and crying over it, but you knew, so bad, that it did upset you? I recently found myself in this situation and without specifics, because they're irrelevant, I'd like to share it with you.
For weeks, or perhaps months, I had worked myself up on one little thing, one thing that didn't seem so little but everyone else thought so. Finally, the time for it came, and I had such high hopes in myself, I believed so much in myself and I was positive that I would go to bed that night content and happy with what I had accomplished. But later at night, maybe 11:23ish, I was struck with the disappointment stage of this entire situation. And let me tell you, at first, you're just in shock. How, you think, how did this happen? Everything was going so perfectly and then BAM, it all collapses in on you like a tower, snapping at the center. Soon, you realize what happened, and you slowly lose your breath. It feels as if something, like a ball, is stuck in your chest, trying to push its way up and explode at the edge of your throat. But you try to push it down, because the emotional side of you is lying to yourself, telling yourself that it's okay, when the physical side of you is clearly disagreeing. Maybe you clench your jaw or clasp your shirt. But after a while, the pain of the ball lodged in your chest becomes unbearable and you let it out, among an avalanche of tears. I know, this is a depressing way to start a book, but I swear, all of this agony leads to some glory.
In this situation, everything, and I mean everything, is a big, fat, blur. It doesn't matter who you're with, where you are, what time it is, you become oblivious to everything. And it's okay, because you're letting the agony out of you, mostly physically, but the sensation of letting out the tears, slightly calms the emotional side. After, I don't know, maybe an hour or two, the tears have slowed, letting your mind slow too. You find yourself in silence because you've deserted yourself from everyone else. For once, there is peace. You let your thoughts finally come out and you flash through different emotions quicker than they began. First, sadness, then anger, followed by pain and finished with relief. Yes, relief.
I don't mean relief like you realized you didn't care all that much, because you do, it's still painful, but you have realized something else. You finally understood that this disappointment, this agony, is nothing more than encouragement. The pain is telling you, move on. You know you can do better, and you will do better. It still may take you a while to come to terms with this epiphany and do something about it, but you understand, you know. It really doesn't matter in the end that whatever you wanted didn't work out, because it's only an opportunity for you to do it again, but with the ability to do it better. So don't mark down this moment on your list of punishments or unfortunate events, make a new list in fact. And title it "Opportunity". Because that's all it is. And I think it's important for everyone to know that.
Didn't I tell you it'd end in glory. KO
