//tw
youll know when im gone, for i have made marks on everyone. theres not a person i didn't love, nor a person i didn't treat with love. youll know when im gone because i will lead a line of tears and fire and sadness.
i try to think about what would have happened if i had actually succeeded on that day. i cant actually think about it without breaking into pieces, but i will try my best.
i think that if i had gone, people once close to me would have realized how present i was in their lives, that there wasn't a memory without me in it. i think the people i was closest to would have realized all the signs that i was fucking broken inside,as cheap as it sounds. and i think they would have hated themselves because they chose to ignore the lines on my legs and the weight dropping off of me.
lately ive been feeling the need to back to that dark place and isolate myself for months at a time. ive been dying to feel the gashes in my hips, and on my shoulders. ive been missing my old friends who would for once whisper the truth i my ears and bruise it into my mind.
im tired of acting like im happy. im tired of telling myself that theres a person out there who loves me when i know theres not. im tired of everything. i haven't showered in 5 days but i cant work up the energy to care. i cant work up the energy to cry like i need to. im dehydrated, and starving.
im a mess and i don't know what to do because as soon as i tell someone, im crying for help. I AM CRYING FO R HELP CANT YOU SEE. I NEED HELP. IM IN A HOLE AND YOURE TELLING ME TO CLIMB BUT I CANT. IM TIRED AND IM DROWNING IN TEARS I WOLL MEVER RELEASE AND I MISS LAUGHIN G UNCONTROLLABLY AT DUMB STUFF. I MISS THE OLD ME AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. IM JUST SO SAD
