I Am Me

Chapter 1

I sit and stare. Does my life have any purpose? What is Gods plan for me? Should I be worried. They said I should start journaling today so here it goes.

Journal Enrty 1-Sometimes you hurt so bad you don't feel it. Sometimes somethings so loud you can't hear it. There is a limit for everything in this world. But love is not one of them. Gods love has no limit. Your family's love has no limit. Your love has no limit. When someone hurts you, you get an unhappy feeling inside. For me when someone hurts me I feel immediate rage. But I'm careful to let it out. Sometimes I tend to hold it in. Holding it in feels okay at first. But eventually I feel like a dam. Holding back my feelings, my emotion. And eventually I will be to full. And I will spill over and it won't be pretty. I walk around with a plastic smile. Something I put on for the day. When I get home, I go into my room and take it off. I lye in my bed and use my electronics all day. Because if I'm on my iPad all day I won't have to face anyone and I won't have to put on a fake face. I wanna be real but it's not as easy as you'd think. If your real your vulnerable to hurt beyond compare. Someone will know you. I wanna be known and real. But I can't bring myself to it. There is only God who truly knows what I'm feeling and he won't hurt me. I have a problem trusting others. They think I trust them but really I am faking to be near them. It's always hurting. And with each day I wake up and put on my plastic smile and it hurts worse in the night. I get a clenching feeling in my throat and stomach. My eyes well up with tears and I just wanna curl up into a ball and be hugged loved and be able to cry. But in my family with everything going on there isn't time to cry, so you hold it in until it comes rushing out all at the same time. That's no good for me it's unhealthy it's ruining me and my joy. With each fake face more pain awakens. When I smile it hurts. I feel like I'm lying all the time. I'm a faker, I'm a phony, I'm not real. I wanna be, but I'm simply not. Life is unfair as everybody says, but why? If it's so unfair why do we live it. I can't do it, I wake up and I hurt. It gets worse everyday. I want it to stop so I told someone and it's not working. I feel alone, sad, grey, blank, empty, depressed, and lonely. Help me God I'm alone. I need you