I Am Me

Chapter 2

It's been a week and I've made no progress. I smiled today and was real,then it faded like when a movie fades to black and it's over.

Journal Enrty 2:I don't know how to have normal fun with my family. Tuesday I was actually out of my room and playing with the kids when dad, sister, and sister got mad and started yelling at them. Yes they had good reason but it was weird. It left me feeling bored and sad. Usually I avoid my siblings at all cost especially brother due to the fact in these past two days whenever I'm near him he spits on my iPad or pours water on brothers or my head. Honestly being near him makes me cringe. I think it's because I'm jealous of him. He has a mom and a dad. But mostly the dad part he's our dads favorite. No joke even mom says it. And if I had a dad even if he didn't want me at least I would know who he is. But instead my mom doesn't even remember him. And that drives me through The roof. It's the fear of not knowing that gets to me. It gets to me in school so I strive for the best grades and all the knowledge I can get, it gets me at home. I pray to god asking him to forgive me because I tend to eavesdrop, and it gets me in life. I know I'm supposed to trust in Gods plan but the fear of not knowing gets to me so I try to take things in my own hands but it ends up failing. I always feel like something is wrong with me. Like I was an accident not by God but by my family. Honestly eye wouldn't notice if I wasn't even there. I was accidentally born. My mom had no prospect of kids in her near future. Mom and Dad weren't expecting me. And yes it was all a part of gods plan but, my life the abundance of kids and people and lack of good expectations is overwhelming me. I don't talk to my dad, and mom is just a sensitivity lacking person. At least that's what she says. When I was younger she would always break the hard truth to me. I'm pretty sure that's why we get along so well. I have no mom issues. I have plenty of mothers to keep me going. And I don't need or even want another father. I just need less stress. I feel like there is a giant rock on my chest and every time a rule is changed to fit new people in the house it gets heavier. Every time a change occurs it crushes my ability to think straight. I feel like it's slowly killing my love and appreciation towards anyone but my parents, and people who are t part of my family. It's killing my compassion and my self confidence. It's drilling black wholes in my once beautifully happy heart. We used to be ok with money. We used to have the perfect amount of people in our home. We used to have different rules. But now the whole world is tilting. And it's killing my joy and love in the process. At least that's what it feels like.