Loneliness

over thinking

As I lay here next to my significant other..I feel a longing for who I use to be, who I was a long time ago. The feeling of not being good enough had finally taken over and and had left me overthinking everything in my life..again... its all you can do from dropping to the floor and crying because youll never be good enough for the one person you want to be good enough for. Sometimes its all you can do to hold back the tears that want to flood the room, so you can let some of the sadness out. To not feel as much pain and sadness anymore. Im not sure when in my life I knew I wasn't ever gonna be good enough to anyone or for anyone.. maybe it was a gradual process, maybe one day I was just different and everyone knew it but me. Music dosent even help anymore with the feeling of being numb, nothing helps anymore. Im laying here wondering where in my relationship did I go wrong? Did I do something? Was I not sexually attractive anymore? Had I let myself go after only being together for 3 months? I wanted answers but I didnt know what questions to ask or if my answers would be the truth. I looked over at my significant other and sunk deeper into the bed we were sharing and closed my eyes but all I saw was him fucking her...and I felt tears slide down my cheeks. I wasnt sure why I was crying, but I knew that it hurt..that my emotions were hurt and I couldnt take much more pain. But as I put headphones in and turn up the music my head starts to hurt from thinking and the loud music now pulsing through my ears and head. Thinking to myself if I wasnt such a screw up then maybe he'd want to have sex with me instead of watching porn..but I laugh for thinking that because thats just ridiculous, who would want me over porn? Nobody.. then I start to wonder why hes with me. And I can only think that its because we like the same things and were close to each other in distance I mean I live with him for god sake...Why was my relationship based on lies..One reason, because I had let him lie and get away with it. And he'll keep lying and ill keep forgiving him and he knows that. I want to say no to him but I cant for some reason.. and I hate myself for that. I want to be loved and cherished by someone who actually wants to be with me. I want to not be lied to or taken advantage of. I want to be someone's one and only...But lets be realistic here for a minute and say I was, why would you lie to someone who you loved and wanted to be with? Why hurt them that badly? The answer is because you have no idea if thats what you want in your life. You just know that the person wont leave you, so you push them to their limits and their breaking point and when they break you act like it was you that got hurt...Thats not okay. Its not okay to hurt someone so badly that they dont want to live anymore pr to the point of breaking and feeling numb. But everyone deals woth things their own way I suppose. And thats just fine.