I'm just here.......invisible

this is it

Standing in the middle of the pew, middle of the church, alone, I feel invisible. I didn't always feel like this, and I hope that I won't keep feeling like this. It started when I started going to a new church with my father. At our old church I was the a star, I was the golden child. Everyone knew me and I barely knew anyone. I grew up there, that was my home away from home. Not a week went by that I wasn't there every day.  Today, I'm in the middle of this new place, genuine fake smiles are all that people got from me. I stand there thinking, "I don't want to start over, I had it all." Now I have to actually converse with these people. I have to get to know them, I have to be social. Any privilege I use to have are now gone, I'm freed from the free gifts. I have to get involved to get noticed. In these moments where an opportunity to socialize comes up, my true character reveals itself. In this minute I have to make a decision, to stay and fight for my visibility or fly and stay unnoticed.
The ceremony has continued, unaware of my internal conflicts. Shouldn't someone care? Someone, notice me? I don't want to be invisible! There is light coming in from the stained glass, yet I still feel like I am stuck in the dark. This is a house of worship, filled with people who believe in loving each other, caring for each other. Why do I feel like I don't have anyone for that? Yes I have my father, but he's up there, being visible. Unaware of his own daughter's feelings, concerns, and invisibility. Unaware of his daughter's jealousy to be visible, to be known without even trying that hard. Everywhere we turn, a warm smile with help in their eyes, people take him from me. The only one who makes me feel visible turns a switch and casts me off.
Church, a building used for public Christian worship. So simple, and yet it holds so much more meaning for me. Why? Because I was raised with the mindset that a church is a home you make to build this connection to God. The Church, and those in it, will help you for the rest of your life. Guiding you, teaching you, and overall loving you. How does feeling invisible effect that relationship I am striving for? Does that mean I am destined for a horrible life, full of bad advice that I follow? How do I know? I'm just here, in the middle of the pew, in the middle of the church, forever feeling invisible.