Always Have, Always Will

He Looks At You The Same Way I Did

The pressure on my chest never lifted.  I stared into Keaton’s eyes, digging deep to find the will to look away.  He wasn’t sad and he wasn’t happy.  He was sorry and I knew that.  But it didn’t change what he just said.  My head was spinning along with my world.  “Say something.” Keaton’s voice broke.

I wouldn’t let the tears fall that welled up in my eyes.  I wouldn’t cry in front of Keaton.  “You should have told me sooner.” I muttered.

                “Why?” He asked defensively, the softness gone.  “It’s not like it would have made you stay—”

                “Yes, it would have.” I interrupted.  “I would have come back.”

He raised his eyebrows, amused.  “What are you saying?”

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly to get my thoughts together.  “I planned on coming back when summer was over, that’s when my mom gave me the okay.  But we didn’t talk and I didn’t want to come back and not have anyone.  I didn’t have my best friend anymore and that hurt.”

He reached forward and grabbed my hands.  He wrapped his own around them and the weight on my chest felt lighter.  “I never meant to hurt you, Lucy.”

                “You didn’t even tell me goodbye.” I choked.

Keaton searched my eyes while is mouth slowly parted as if he was going to say something, but nothing came out.  “Do you know what that felt like?  Not having the person you thought would always be there?”

He nodded, “You left, remember?”

                “You shut me out, remember that?”

                “I don’t think I can say it enough, but I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry I didn’t call for two years.  I’m sorry for everything, okay?  It was a mistake and I just didn’t want to lose you, but in the end, I did.”

                “I needed you, Keaton.”  I had a hard time admitting I still did.

He started shaking his head, “It was my mistake.  I was selfish because of how I felt and didn’t once think about how it would affect you.  I need you, Lucy.  I need my best friend.”

I reacted by wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulling him in for a hug.  His arms snaked around me and I rested my chin on his shoulder.  “I wish you didn’t wait two years.” I said.

                “I wish you weren’t with Kai.” He muttered.

I pulled back and dropped my hands into my lap.  “Why’s that?”

                “I don’t have a chance.”

I sharp pain stabbed my chest.  “You don’t know that.”  Neither did I.

His eyes filled with hope but that look disappeared immediately.  “I don’t, Luce.  He loves you…a lot.  I can tell.”

                “How so?”

A small smile played on his lips.  “He looks at you the same way I did.”

My chest felt hallow, almost like I couldn’t breathe.  Keaton’s admitting to being in love with me after so many years and I couldn’t say anything.  I didn’t know what to say.  It all felt wrong but felt right at the same time.  He’s my best friend again and I’m with Kai.  I shouldn’t have thoughts about Keaton the way I do right now.  I shouldn’t want to kiss him, but that didn’t stop me.