blue skies hidden in grey skies

stop

when will it stop?
the endless brutal torture of my thoughts.
the constant desire to disappear and
vanish into thin air.
when will the pain end?
the never ending series of bad days,
and even worse days.
when?
will it be my graduation day?
the day that I can finally leave the hell that I was put through for four fucking years.
or will it be when I've finally left this god forsaken city.
or when I'm old and alone?
or when everything has disappeared and I am only left with myself, left with these thoughts.
left behind and thrown out like a piece of paper?
or will it be earlier than I thought?
maybe it could end right now.
it would be so easy,
one quick slice.
or one strong rope.
it could all end right now,
oh god how I wish it was that easy.
because maybe this is my only source of freedom.
free from these demons casting their spells on my brain,
manipulating me to think and feel this...
sadness.
fear.
anger.
disappointment.
just make it stop please.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I'm so tired,
exhausted.
it hurts so much.
I'm giving up.

what am I supposed to do when every single breath makes me want to die?
maybe all of this pain can finally stop if I actually give them what I want.
to die.
an escape from all of this torment.
what did I ever do to deserve this?
I don't want to feel this way.
I've been to too many therapy sessions,
too many hospitals,
too many psychiatrists,
too many prescribed antidepressants.
it's been SO long.
I don't think I can go on anymore.
it's too hard to be alive.

what do I do?