Violet skies and golden trees

6. Calls from the other side

  'Where are you, where are you? For god's sake Florida! Tell me you're alright. You have to be. Look I know, I haven't been there for you, but you haven't exactly been there for me either. But I am here for you, now; if you're not okay, you have to tell me. Please, Florida. I feel like I'm losing you.' Forest's voice floated up from the phone. This was his message, the call from the other side. I couldn't answer him now. I switched my phone off.

I was nothing, I was nobody... I had no friends and the only place I belonged was in my hallucinogenic haven. I hated myself for pushing Forest away; he was the only one who had ever really cared about me and now I didn't even have him, or at least I wouldn't if I kept pushing him away. I let the tears fall from my eyes. What was the point? What was the point in anything? I couldn't be bothered with anything anymore. I had held myself together for too long; I had disguised my true feelings for too long. I couldn't pretend anymore; the truth was that the reality of my hallucinating dreams was more real than my life had ever been.

I thought of Forest... his shyness, his sad eyes, he was too good for me. I was like a sinking ship and I had thrown him overboard because I couldn't bare for him to drown with me. I cared about him. Perhaps, I even loved him in my strange way. I didn't know. The only thing I knew was that I wanted to save him and the only way I could do that was by cutting myself off from him, forever.

The messages piled up for weeks.

Why aren't you at school, Florida?

He didn't have the right to ask that; he had missed loads of school because he feared to talk to people. I just needed a break from the classroom, too. I needed a break from the pressure to always do well. I needed a break from the judgement, the judgement passed by those more intelligent than me, the judgement passed by those less intelligent than me. I needed freedom. I needed time to think, work things out, find out what I really wanted from life, if anything. How could I do that in a classroom full of people I didn't know, and never would really understand?

Your parents have told me that you never spend any time at home anymore. Where do you go? What do you do?

You don't want to know, Forest, I thought. You wouldn't understand why I was throwing everything away on illegal substances. You wouldn't know what it felt like in the freedom land of violet skies and golden trees. You wouldn't be able to comprehend the concept of feeling completely empty but yet feeling everything as if you'd never experienced emotion before, the feeling of going somewhere you could never leave but yet feeling as free as a bird, the way everything was so clear but yet existed only in a paradox. The major paradox, being that I felt so alive but yet the thing that made me alive was killing me, slowly.

Why don't we meet up sometime, chat, maybe? Florida, I know what it's like to feel alone but you and I we're not alone, we have each other. God, Florida, you're the only one I've ever had. The truth is I'm not coping at the moment. I can barely breathe, I'm so nervous. All the unknown elements of life they crowd me and make me choke. Florida I need you as much as you need me. We need to talk because... just please talk to me before I... before I give up on everything. I only have you left, if I give up on you, I have nothing left.

After reading that I went to a lake and hurled my phone into the centre of it; it hit the surface with a harsh smack before descending further to be forgotten.

"I'm sorry Forest, I can'tgive you what you want. I'm really sorry, I truly am. Goodbye Forest, it reallyis goodbye this time," I said aloud, to no one.