Violet skies and golden trees

11. Just me

  I raced around the corner and ran into the woods where I knew they would be dealing. I saw him from a distance; his chin was poking upwards, arrogantly. He dragged his hand through his long brown hair. He was surrounded by the red and white amanita muscaria. It grew in thick clusters here, ready to fulfil desire. He saw me approach and he smiled, just the way he had when he had seen me plucking the mushrooms from the ground and grinding them up in my hands, myself. He hadn't demanded that I buy from him instead of making my own then, because he had known all along that I was on a path that ended with him. His smile was a knowing one.

'Hey Florida,' he said happily. Behind him were four girls sat in the long reeds of grass. There was the girl with the long chocolate brown hair and the scars which striped her wrists standing a bit apart from the others, then there were the two girls with matching black leather jackets and ankle boots. They talked to each other, completely ignoring me. Finally, there was the youngest girl, she must have only been about thirteen, too young to be with this crowd. She looked up sadly as I thrust my wallet into his hands.

'The usual?' he inquired.

'More than usual,' I replied. 'As much as you've got.' Patiently, he handed me packet after packet of drugs. I took them all. He lit a cigarette and passed it to me; there's some more in that,'

'Thank-you,' I said gratefully. I began to take the drugs, possessed by my desire.

I had taken four packets when he put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'take it easy, Titania. You're going to kill yourself at the rate you're going.'

'I don't care,' I said taking another drag on the cigarette. 'I really don't.' They all looked up at that. The scarred girl gave me the saddest look ever. She shook her head and then proceeded to bite her nails until they bled. 'And for the record, my name is not Titania.' Strange patterns swirled in front of my vision; I could barely see him and his reply sounded distant.

'Titania, that is all we have ever called you.'

'Well I'm not Titania, I can't be one of your gang. I'm not Una, I'm not Roselyn, I'm not Clairette and I'm not Evangeline,' I said gesturing towards the girls.

'Florida, then,'

'You and I both know that I am no longer an innocent child. I am not Florida; I am not even Ophelia. She's dead like Forest,' I said bitterly. They all looked completely confused. 'I can't be what people want me to be. I can't be Millie Grey's subject, I can't be your customer, I can't be my parent's angel, I can't be school's bookworm, I couldn't be the friend Forest wanted me to be, because the truth was that I wanted to be more than that to him and now I never can. I can't be what anyone wants me to be. I can only be me and if that is not good enough for anyone I don't care anymore. Trying to belong has been a pointless mission. Trying to escape has only trapped me further.' Evangeline looked up at that. 'But I don't care about any of it, because I have more in mind now than a simple escape. I have a destination now. I am ready.'

They stared at me with their mouths wide open. I laughed, this was ridiculous. I could see the goldfishes I had, had when I was ten swimming onto their tongues. Birds seemed to drop out of the sky. Nothing made any sense. A car the size of an ant zoomed past me. I could hear clapping in my ears.

'I am me,' I yelled as loud as I could. 'I am free!'

I bit my tongue and tasted the blood in my mouth, it tasted sharp. Feverishly I chewed at my lips, thirsty for my own blood. What was I doing? What was everyone else doing? Oberon was falling backwards into Clairette and Roselyn's arms. Una leaned over and kissed him on the lips as the girls lowered him to the ground beside the mushrooms. I had not expected that but anything was possible with my enhanced imagination, wasn't it? The girls danced around him, it was like a strange satanic ritual. Their hair fell across his bare chest concealing him from my eyes.

I laughed as the lights turned off leaving a spotlight on the amanita muscaria. I didn't care about anything and it felt good not to care. This was freedom. The patterns in front of my eyes swelled and the floor zoomed up towards me. The amanita muscaria faded from my sight as the whole world descended into darkness.

-Ve