Converse

Converse, story 2

Chris:

I stare up at the building above me, the many floors towering over my head. I ruffle my blonde hair again, playing with the two piercings on my lip with my tongue. I think of Jake. His face and his smile, how we first kissed. I groan and slam my hand to my forehead. I stare down at my yellow top and black skinnies. I hate it. I hate myself.

Why do I have to look like this. Feel like this. Be like this.

Why do I have to be gay?

I sit down on the edge of the road, hanging my head, looking at my reflection in a muddy puddle by the side. Tears start to blur my vision and I quickly look away as I remember how his fist hit my face. It was all my fault… again. Of course it was. It was because I was gay. Dad hated people like me. I was just stupid to even feel at all.

A car races past me, its shiny red surface almost sweeping the air past it. It honks at me and rolls down the window. I see some of the boys from my year, laughing. Joking.

"Aye! Ain't it the fag!" I stare into their eyes, my heart racing, everything beating hundreds of miles faster than it should. I feel my head looking back up at the building, feeling my hands and legs throbbing. I stare back at them in the car and they burst into even heavier laughter. "Nice bruises fag!" One shouts. A tear starts to fall down my cheek slowly as I look away, standing up and walking away. "You should just stay in the gutter where you belong!" I try to block it out but they bite into me. Ripping at my brain, tearing me up with sharp tongues. I clutch at my ears, not wanting to hear anymore. Not wanting to see anymore. To feel anymore. I feel my body twitching as I rub my converse together.

And my body bursts into life. And I run. Pushing myself forwards with all the effort I can muster. I watch as people leap out of my way, shouting abuse. Just SHUT UP! I stop, plugging my ears with my fingers. I stare up at the towering buildings above me. I… I… need to. I shake my head at the ideas in my head. I can't… can I? I mean… it would stop me feeling. I turn back, jogging the way I had just come. The jog soon turns into a full out run as I lean forwards, my head and body becoming sweaty.

I reach the bottom of the block and take out my pass card, sticking it in the slot and waiting for the beep. I push it open, staring left and right, seeing if anyone was there. Nothing. I hold my breath and walk very slowly to the stairs, wanting to the take the long way, just hoping I would change my mind. I don't run. I don't need to. Just the walking. If anything it decides it for me.

The world doesn't want me, so why should I stay. Simple answer, I shouldn’t. There's nothing anymore. I just want to never be able to hear anything again.

My legs start to ache but the pain is almost nice, because its on the outside, not in me. It can't hurt me when its outside. I reach the top, and find the door for the roof locked. I groan and wipe the tears from my cheeks, staring through the glass. My reflection a light shadow. I wish I was just that, a shadow. Shadow's can't feel. I stare down at my hand and curl it into a fist, remembering the pain in my legs. I look up again and smile slightly as I throw my fist forwards, screaming as pain explodes in my body. I hold my throbbing hand in my arms, tears running down my cheeks as it stays limp. My lip wobbles as I reach through the glass, placing my trembling hand on the lock and opening it. I push it slightly and feel the cold air hit me like a wave.

Inhaling slowly I take my first step onto the concrete. I look up at the grey world and see my body as a slight speck of colour. Of life. Time to end that.

I walk to the edge and stare down at the street below, gulping. No one notices me up here, I'm safe. I close my eyes slightly, taking a huge breath of the cold mornings air. I open my eyes slowly and stare around at the world.

"Screw this" I whisper, my words caught up with my tears. It gets me even more angry. "Why do I have to be like THIS!" I scream the last word, wanting someone to hear me for once. Not for me to hear them. And they do, one women looks up and screams. I smile slightly. They notice me when I'm like this. She points franticly up at me and a few people join her and my heart lifts slightly. "A BIT LATE!" I yell, my mind pounding with a crazed sense of power. One man rushes up to the entrance of the building. They're coming for me. I step back from the side and pull out my phone, finding Jake's number.

I call him quickly, holding my breath as I wait. And he finally answers.

"Chris?" he asks, his voice still groggy.

"Its me" I whisper, my voice breaking.

"What's wrong, where the hell are you?" he shouts down the line, concern suddenly clouding his voice. I shake my head slowly, my mind buzzing.

"I'm sorry Jake" I whisper, falling to my knees in tears.

"Where ARE you Chris!" He screams, his voice even more frantic now.

"I'm going to… I'm sorry Jake…." I say, not able to tell him, not able to imagine his face fall. "I love you" and my voice breaks, as I shake uncontrollably.

"Chris, calm down, please!" But I hang up, closing my phone very slowly, standing up on shaking legs. I'm sorry Jake. Blame them. Blame them for making me listen. For making me feel. I rest my head in my hands as the elevator finally stops and a man and a few others walk up to the door, watching me very carefully.

"Now, we've called the police, we were just wondering if you could just hang on till they got here" he says, forcing a smile onto his shaking lips. I stare into his eyes and do see worry. And I almost step away from the edge.

But then I think of dad, and the way he screamed at me and the way he bashed my head with his fists and instead I take a step back. I gasp as my left foot almost slips and I stare down at the wavering street below. Everyone also  gasps in front of me, and I swear a few of them are holding their breath.

"Sorry…" I whisper, shrugging slightly, before taking a full step back… and falling….