Your eyes flicker open. You look to your right where Ben lies. His bright red mop of hair is pasted to his forehead, giving you the urge to push it back. You keep your hands firmly at your sides not daring to. What have you done? The guy you loved just died and you go off sleeping with his best friend. Smooth. Feelings of guilt and disappointment curl your insides. Your head stars to throb. 'How could I have been so stupid?' You move his arm that was curled around your waist off of you and grab your clothes, feeling dirty, exposed and vulnerable. You head for Toms old bedroom.
You cross the threshold, the memories flooding back to you. You flop down onto his bed, picking up the pillow and cradling it in your arms. "Oh Tom," You cry into the soft material. "I'm sorry."
The smell of his aftershave hits your senses. You stare at the purple walls.
"What am I going to do,Tom? What have I done?" You say, as if he's with you. More tears wet your cheeks.
"Amy?" You look up to see Ben standing in the door way. He seems to have gotten dressed already. You look down to the floor, avoiding eye contact. He sits on the bed, next to you. "I'm here for you, don't worry." He says lightly.
'Yes, but you're not Tom.' You think to yourself. He kisses your forehead.
"I'll go get breakfast. Just the usual?" he asks.
You nod.
"Okay, I'll be back in 20 minutes." He rises to his feet and gets to the door, where he pauses. "I hope we can sort things out after last night." He smiles. "It just... felt so right..."
He leaves you in silence.
You exhale loudly as the front door slams shut, meaning he's left. "No," You say to yourself. "No, I can't do this. No..."
You change into one of Tom's old baggy teeshirts and shove on your jeans.
You take one last look of the bedroom before walking out of the door. You stare out the window. You watch people walk past, getting on with their own lives. That was once you. A relatively normal person. A happy person just getting on with life. Getting on with life because you had Tom.
After he came back from the doctors telling you he had cancer, you didn't know what to do. No matter how much you wished he'd get better, it didn't make a difference. He was going to die anyway. Tom didn't want treatment no matter how much you nagged. It would only have given him a month or two spare and for that time would be hooked up to even more machines and that, he just didn't want.
You shake your head, grabbing your coat. "I have to go..." You whisper to yourself. "I can't do this."
You walk out of the front door, leaving Bens flat behind as well as everything else.
You press yourself against the railing, feeling the cold air blow against your face. You inhale deeply, running your hands through your hair. You look down at the water. It's blue and black swirls are almost hypnotising. You take off your coat and hang it over the railing. You step up further onto the railing, eyes still fixed on the dark pool of water beneath your feet. The Thames.
"Amy!? What the hell are you doing?" You hear Ben call from behind you.
You ignore him, taking your last step to the top of the railing.
"Amy, get down. You don't have to do this."
"Yes, Ben. I do." You tell him, not turning to face him.
"But what about us?"
"I'm sorry, Ben. We can't be together there is no 'us'." You sound dry.
"I love you Amy."
"And I love Tom, Ben. Don't you understand? This is a way me and him can be together."
"No it's not Amy, he wouldn't want this. Get DOWN. You're crazy!"
"I love him Ben. I can't live without him. I'm sorry." You say leaning forward bracing yourself.
"NO!" Ben springs forward, grabbing you. You slip over, taking him down with you. You feel weightless. Transparent. Like you're here but you're not. Ben pulls you into him. You shut your eyes awaiting the impact of the water.
It's freezing. You feel your lungs burning. You break free of ben and fall further under. Your head starts pounding and you feel your heart start to slow down.
"Amy?"
"Tom?" You question the darkness in a whisper.
"Wake up, Amy." Tom says.
"But I don't want to. I can't Tom."
"You have to." He whispers into your ear.
"Am I dead?"
"In-between... Now wake up, Aime."
"Please, let me stay here. I want to stay with you."
"You don't have to. I'm always with you. They need you. Wake up Amy." You hear Toms voice become faint.
"NO, TOM, I DON'T WANT TO GO BA-"
