Throw me away
Use me, why don't you? Choose me out of all the toys in your playpen to hurt. You're such a hypocrite. One second you love me, the next you don't. I still stayed around didn't I? After I found out that every "I love you" was a lie I still stayed. I knew why I was staying. It was because as much as I hated to admit it, every "I love you more" that I ever said was true. But one blink in the wrong direction and you've fallen for somebody else. A few miles of distance and you forget who I am, what I've done for you. Everything I've been, I've been for you. What did that get me? It got me hurt, and disappointment. All that time leading me on, and for what? You didn't love me. "We're April and Andy" you said. Liar. I was never in that little circle, now was I? You're April and HE'S Andy. Bet you can't say shit like that to him though, can you? You've said it yourself. You can only be yourself around me yet you choose to be around others even if you have to act like somebody you're not. You try to impress "Prince Charming" when all he really is is an addict that can't get enough of you and your vulnerability.
I guess I can't say you deserve it. Nobody deserves to be used. I often say that. But maybe, just maybe, it's karma. Because I make one mistake and I "fucked you over." I make one mistake and I "wasted your time." What about me? What about my time? I thought it would be you and me forever. Fuck the labels and fuck everything else. Partners in bed or partners in crime, either way we would never be apart. You didn't keep that promise. All you ever do is insult me. But why? Oh, wait. I know. Because to be "cool" around your new little friends and impress them, you have to bash me. To impress your new little boy toy, you have to call me "boring" and say that I suck. To keep him interested you have to text him every time we're together and say "I'm bored." Don't think I haven't noticed. You even have the audacity to send me screenshots where I can clearly see what you've said about me, but ask me for advice on how to respond to his message. Fuck his messages. Fuck your new life. Fuck your friends. Screw you. Don't you dare say I screwed you over when all you've ever done is that exact thing to me.
I finally got as close to a best friend after you as I could. We hung out and had the time of our lives. We took shot after shot of every type Vodka, Bacardí, and any liquor there was. We were living the dream. You were away and for once I didn't feel alone. Now I feel that's gone. Why? Why do I feel this if after all this time we've gotten closer than we've ever been? Because of you. Because no matter what, when there's someone else, I get ignored. I get pushed aside. I'm not given a chance. You invite me when you're driving up 2 and a half miles to the campus to see your poor excuse of or a man, but you know I can't go. Not even because I don't want to. Not because it tortures me that he's the new me. It's because it's too damn early. You can't change the time, though.. No, no, no, you can't. Your time with his majesty is too precious. So I get to be stuck in this house for almost a week, and the only shot I had at company, at a friend, is gone. I knew this would happen, too. I knew that once you came back down here everything would change again. Once you came back down here I'd have to abide by your rules again. I would have to listen to you insult me and then apologize with no sincerity in your eyes, and then do it again. But who can blame you? Who can blame anyone? Anything's better than being stuck with a depressed best friend at her house doing nothing. So let's just go replace her. Be it as it may, I'll never be as good as your new friends. I'll never be as good as your old ones either. I'll just always be that one person. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be alone. I'm just saying it's not safe to give my mind that much time, that much space, that much motivation...
M.A.P. ⚜
