DIVORCE. Technically, I am a 'child of divorce' as my parents got divorced when I was six, but I've always hated that term. I've never understood why I had to be labelled because of my parents lovelife. In fact, I never really thought that their divorce affected me at all. Obviously in the beginning I was sad because I didn't get to see my dad everyday, and when my parents started dating other people there was lots of tension because I felt like I was going to get forgotten, or just because I didnt like the person. Hell, its ten years later and Im still having trouble with that. But I thought that was it. I never thought that my parents divorce had any other implications on my life. Until now, when I realised how fucked up my perception of marriage is.
I started thinking about how I can't wait to be married one day, and how great it must be to know that this one person is now gonna have your back through thick and thin for the rest of time, and how they're always gonna be there for you and love you no matter what. I started thinking about how excited I was to meet my soul mate. But then I realised that he doesnt exist.
To be honest I don't actually know how a normal functioning marriage should work. My mom has been married a couple of years now, but he travels a lot for work. My mom says its better because when he leaves she gets to have a break and just chill, and then when hes back she gets to go out with him (he likes going out on a friday and saturday night to the local pub) She says how she loves it when he's gone, and jokes about how she cant wait for him to leave again when he's back. I know she does love him, and perhaps she just says this stuff to remind me and my sister that we are the priorities. I'll be honest, sometimes it is nice hearing her say that (even though I do like him) but I just really hope that I wont ever want to say that about my husband one day. When she doesn't want to do something with him like go to random events, she also makes excuses that she cant because she has to lift me places. Its not a big deal, but I just dont want to ever feel the need to lie to my husband one day, especially over something so silly. Maybe that's just how all relationships work? I know my mom loves him, but I just cant help but feel that he's not the love of her life based on how much she complains about him as well though. Again, its over silly things, but still.
I just wish I believed in love.
Sometimes I see it with some of my friends parents. But I just feel like that luck doesn't exist in our gene pool.
