infinite thoughts

it's in your mind. you can't escape from your mind

it's not always there. most of the time it's alright. of course, it is in the back of your mind, but you learn how to not think about it too much. you go on with your day normally - well, as normally as you can for someone who never feels quite normal. you learn to live life inside a comfortable bubble. you're the only one who has full access. but living inside that comforting bubble that no one can harm isn't real.

once in a while, one of the words you despise cuts through the bubble. you've learned to live inside the bubble so when something gets through it, you don't know how to get it out. and slowly, you start to feel suffocated inside the bubble. but you have no way of getting out because it's not really there. it's in your mind. you can't escape from your mind.

she. her. he. him. whatever it is, it makes you uncomfortable. even when you figure out ways to make it less uncomfortable, deep down it always aches the same. your chest tightens, you feel like you're about to burst in tears. your mouth feels dry. your heart starts beating faster. you try to get rid of the feeling but you simply do not know how.

what makes it worse is when you know that online you can correct the person with no problem. you have the confidence. the feeling of safety. the feeling of knowing that person can't hurt you. but in real life it's a different story. you have no way of hiding if it were to go wrong. you could end up hurt. mentally and physically. are you really strong enough to deal with that? no. so you don't.

you put on this mask, so to speak. it's mostly you but not really you. it feels fake. it feels like you're constantly acting. it's exhausting. you don't take every moment in because the mask is really uncomfortable. you have to keep wearing it, you say to yourself every time. every time it gets even harder to wear it. you feel less like yourself. you feel guilty because you feel like you're constantly lying to the people around you. and you are.

so why not take off the mask? why not try to take it off with at least one person? the person you trust the most that isn't an internet friend? because.

there's really no explanation. you're just terrified. you've seen how other people are treated. that's not a thing. stop being a special snowflake. that's absurd. and you simply do not have the strength to fight back those words and remain confident. truth be told, you aren't confident. you constantly question yourself.

if you're lucky, you at least feel confident with being you online. you have the friend. and eleven friends. who love you no matter what. and right now, that's all you need.

• • •

tried a different writing style.

i've been misgendered at least twice today.

it sucks.

but it's okay. that's what you keep telling yourself.