I didn't know what to think. His life was on the line and I couldn't think. It's been a day since Brinker's little mock trial. He had led to Finny rushing out of the auditorium in desperate escape to avoid the truth. It was Brinker who made Finny fall. Now because of Brinker, Finny was near death.
I walked around the halls aimlessly, for there was nowhere for me to go, no purpose to be had, not when Finny wasn't by my side. I should very well have been in class. But what was the point? I couldn't pay attention with peril on my mind. Math, science, it was all useless. What mattered was what was lurking ever so deep in my heart. I was mournful but at the same time, a slight realisation came to mind. I wasn't sure what I was realising, but it was there.
Walking past the auditorium, I thought of Brinker. I had always thought of him as handsome. He was definitely built strong and muscly. But that's all there was about him. He was often times cruel and too involved in others' lives. He had been completely obsessed with me and my friendship with Finny. It wasn't his fault I was so sexy. People would want me. That was his only reason for wanting to rip my friendship with Finny.
I decided to try to visit Finny, see if the doctors would allow me in. I dragged my feet along the concrete in absolute depression. What if Finny died? What would I do with myself? I didn't have a purpose in life besides accompanying Finny in his numerous exploits and personal dramas. Finny was the reason I was still enrolled in this school. If not for him, I would have quit school all together and enlisted, maybe purposefully get myself killed on the battlefield. I would have been in everyone's best interest if I were gone. In fact, if Finny never fraternized with me, he would have never been injured in the first place. I caused this to happen to him. I didn't deserve him as a friend. After he had moved past the injury, our friendship had rekindled. A little spark had ignited and I felt we may be more than friends. I started hoping...
Foolish thoughts of course. My life was always nothing but disappointment only because I started getting hope. Finny couldn't possibly feel...
What was it that I was feeling?
I couldn't quite recall the feeling burning inside of me. Before I knew it, I was outside the door to the nurse's. I tried the door but it was inevitably locked from the inside. I sighed and turned to leave with an eerie disappointment lingering within.
"Doctor...? Is that you...?" asked a tinny voice from inside. It was frail and soft. My heart broke.
"Finny? Hey, it's Gene," I called out.
"Gene...?" He paused. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in class...?"
"I-I just wanted to check on you. You know, after the fall you took. I thought it would be nice to pay you a visit."
"Oh... Well yes, that was very nice..." he responded.
There was an awkward silence.
"Gene...?" he called out almost in a whisper, barely hearable through the door.
"Yes? What is it Finny?"
"Why did you really come to visit me...?"
My entire brain halted and I had no idea what to say. It was completely unexpected.
Why was I really here?
I thought back at my times shared with Finny. My endless nights we shared having endless conversations. Our joyous trip to the beach, spent worry free and wild. How I had always admired Finny because of all his capabilities. How I spent my time trying to impress Finny, wanting only for him to accept me. I had always thought, hoped there was something special between Finny and I. Could it be that I had... grown feelings for him?
"Finny, I... I think I lo-"
"Excuse me," said a rumbling voice behind me. In the midst of my dilemma I had not noticed the doctor had come to the door. "Shouldn't you be in class?" he asked.
I stood there wide-eyed, not knowing what to say or do. Finny would know what to do in this situation. He would talk his way through and the doctor would pass him up without a second glance. But I wasn't Finny. So I decided to do what Gene would do.
I sprinted out of there faster than the doctor could recall. And while I was running, Finny's voice could be heard behind the door, screaming at me to come back.
Once I reached the end of the hall I was already soaked in tears.
