© November 9th 2013
How I saw her before. Cursed in her slumber walk with fallen tears. Mourning the loss of her sisters no doubt. I was seething with almost unmanaged anger thinking about Mason and Nyleigh together again, but I can’t keep my thoughts straight with that sound.
Weeping. Someone was weeping. Eth. She’s the only one down here. I twiddle my fingers at my sides. I can feel my anxiety. I’m already enough disquiet from the two problems, but this?
My breathing is shaky. I can’t control it properly. What in hell am I to do now? I need something to take me away from these thoughts. Dewan is out of the question for now. It’ll be too much of a pain to try and seek out the information when I’m this flustered. Worse than I was at the time with him. Sadly, he can read me. Read me all too well and it infuriated me at times. I don’t wish to talk to him about emotions and what’s going on. He’s connected to Dimitri for all I know. It some wild span of branches, he’s coiled and entangled into that mess and someone can cut the wires and flip them back to the control panel. I can’t have that happen, now can I?
Cray. I fucking blew it with her. I don’t know what to do. Do I speak with her again? I don’t know. She was different that night. Monotone and actually not voluble for once. I think I just need to unravel her feelings and mine and wait until things feel better. I still can’t explain why I didn’t do it. Why I forced myself to push her away. No look of hurt, innocence or anger, just nothing. Which leaves me confused enough.
Mason and Nyleigh were crossed off my list from the beginning. There’s no hope with them. They’re the reason I feel so out of it and diluted. Why I’m hurt and angry. Eth. I just don’t know her well enough. And Leon—Well, he’s somewhere. Like hell I know where he is. He’s always a secluded little fucker.
Looking around the room, I can only pin point the sorrows against the case. Bumping it, it rocks back and forth. Did she not just see what happened with me? An oaf.
I can only see a little smidge of her, but she’s shaking so violently it almost looks like she’s having a seizure. The cacophony sounds stopped and were now just breaking gasps of air while her head is plunged into her arms against her legs.
Bunk. The whole shelf rattled again.
Bunk. Again.
Bunk. I grabbed the shelf and pushed everything that was placed on cursorily –which was barely anything to begin with—farther back since most were just dangling now. The vibrations she was emitting was most liking going to get her to become unconscious in another few minutes.
“Stop it.” I whisper, angered under my breathe. She doesn’t respond or move. She must feel me beside her. Standing over her body while I fiddle with the picture frame. The picture inside was burned, but still frame. I can’t make out what it is. It’s too scorned. But I can guess. Mason and her. What else of a reason is there to keep something so destroyed? I wish she’d give him up. Lose the past with that idiot. But she won’t. Just how I am.
Bunk.
I grit my teeth.
Bunk.
“Stop it,” I repeat myself again.
Bunk.
I can feel my body pulsing. Stop it. One command, two fucking words. Just STOP IT. She swayed forward and is about to fling her head back when I do it.
Grabbing the back of her head, I say under clenched teeth, “Just fucking stop it, Eth.” Everything on her body tenses even more. She stays still.
Meekly, “Sorry,” came out of her mouth. I’m surprised she even managed to say anything. “I-I’m so sorry…” Stammering and hesitation.
I stood there lamely. Sarcasm? No. She wasn’t speaking to me. She was never speaking to me. I’m having dysphagia my saliva. She was speaking to her deceased sister.
Chewing on my lip again, I sit there and ponder. Licking my cracked lips. Standing in silence, I continue to listen to her.
“I’m sorry…” An inflection in her voice, “Sorry…” I sighed.
She has to get over her death. She’s had—I think—over a week to grieve. Has it been that long? It’s been a while since I’ve managed to muster up the strength to even glance at my phone or a calendar or even talk to anyone in this household. I didn’t want to have to start. I liked not caring, but I knew if I continued I’d get myself moribund until entwined into something more terminal.
I realize I’m still holding her head and awkwardly twist my hand back. Shaking my head, I sigh once more and sit on the other side of the corner facing outwards to the livingroom. Now’s not the time to be sympathetic, Landon. Not the time to be empathic.
The weeping started up again, but this time she lifted her head, but her eyes looked sown shut from all of the sulking. More red than usual, they were oozing out tears. Almost more than the rain itself outside now. I’m surprised that this little waif is so weak. It made me want to laugh, but I had to try and hold that inside of me now.
I sat there lying against the wall with Eth rambling on to herself. Tediously saying, “I’m sorry…” I could leave. I should have left, but I don’t have anywhere to go right now. I don’t actually want to leave the house.
Still in a drizzling downpour, I don’t feel like coming back inside soaking wet nor do I want to go upstairs and take out my rage on Mason. I just want to be woven into the ground and not move. I just don’t want to try… I know I sound lazy. It’s just—…
I feel broken. A piece of me is just not functioning right. That missing cog is really messing me up. It had to have been misplaced over a week ago because I’ve been messing up more than usual. I can usually fix these things, but I haven’t managed any of it. I haven’t tried. No matter how consequential it may be. I just can’t bring myself to doing it. I’ve given up right now. My mind is shot. I’ve been over loaded with everything.
One of the only reasons I’m still sitting here listening to Eth blubber on and choke on her saliva time and time again.
“Landon…” She choked.
It was like she just noticed me. That this entire time I’ve just been hiding here. Completely not in the open, tucked away into the shadows just like Mason was always able to do. That’s why he was emissary.
I didn’t bother to look at her. I stayed sitting against my wall. One leg up while the other just bouncing up and down from my anxiety.
“Why are you sitting here…?” Because I’m broken. That’s not something I can exactly say. She won’t understand. Not the way I feel it right now. I’m not about to tell her everything I just witnessed nor went through in the past while. It’s just not worth it.
I don’t think I can create some convoluted response with my mind so fragile.
“I don’t know.” I shoot back, emotionless. I can feel the emptiness crawling through my face. There was something unsettling inside of me right now. She must be surprised I’ve gone this long without something crude spewing out of my mouth. “I just don’t know.”
Eth sniffled and pressed her back onto the casing. I was a little fearful that it might do the same. I tried not to look too suspicious or obvious while looking at her back to make sure nothing was attached like mine was. I have no idea how it happened. I just moved and wham! Everything was on top of me and I was sucked under the abyss.
Eth sucked in a deep breath and sighed loudly, “Thank you…”
“For what?” I raised my eyebrow, but stared at the condensation on the enormous glass windows.
Eth almost sounded surprised that I had forgotten, “That night… With-“
“Got it.” I didn’t need to have her to repeat the night. I knew what had happened and how much it must have stung, but she does need to grow over it and move on.
“Not just for taking me along to help me…” I stay mute. “For-…” She let out a huff, like it was something that has bothered her and gazed away, “comforting me then.”
The embrace. My moment of utterly horrid disorientated empathy. I couldn’t stop thinking about Nyleigh. How that could have been her and latched onto Eth like a blood-sucking vampire. I almost forgot about that. Baffled she even managed to remember.
Instead of responding, “Don’t mention it,” I said, “Really don’t mention it.” Nyleigh always asked me to be a little bit more honest. I grinned heavily.
