© December 22/2013
I couldn't stay on the thought. I wanted to be with Cray right now. Slink down into bed with her lying on my chest. Listening to her breathing as she falls into her own deep slumber. I've never wanted something so badly.
Eth's mind was shot right now. I could see her wavering around in the seat. Seesawing around, only slightly. Just like my want to go upstairs to see Cray. Eth's eyes closing shut for another nights rest as she started to oscillate farther away from the back of the couch. She got closer and closer to wobbling over, teetering away, she caught herself and brought herself back up-but only half way until the stagger flicked from constant front-to-back motions and turned left.
Right. Onto. My. Shoulder.
Paralyzed. Completely lost. I sit there for a moment. I cannot help but picture Cray here. Laying there-on my lap instead. Smiling up at me. Her warmth calming me as I just shake my head at her, but secretly I'm always grinning back.
Closing my eyes, I slink my head down on top of Cray's and pass away from my body and into nightmares. Just-they didn't stay. Every time I was about to be sown shut, burned alive, surgically cut open or drowned, there was a warmth that caused it to squirm away from me. Black it out and change the scene. It was calming, but fearful. Because a new morbid scene erupted, but the warmth continued to erase it. A pattern that made me want to scream then relax...
---
Blinking. Once-Hazy. Twice. Plait. Thrice. Plait-bangs. Four times. Squint. Look down. Blue shoes.
My arm was wrapped around her. Somehow, this happened. Was she aware? No! She can't know. I have to erase it like the feverish sensation that kept coming.
This cannot be real. Surreal! It must be. It has to be. Fuck!
My arm is still between her hand and waist. I'm scared to move. Panicking that she'll awake and scream seeing the sleeved arm of black tattoos around her. Having to explain how this happened to god knows who. Oh god, who saw? Shit!
Slowly I pull away from her. Eth does nothing, but gurgle out some inaudible words. I kicked myself into full gear and prop my elbow, sliding my left hand-that was once touching Eth-onto the head of the couch and push up. Heaving myself, I roll onto the top and flip my legs around. Dangling there, I sigh and jump down. Too hard. The wood screams of bloody murder at the drop. I'm not that heavy, just weak boards. Old boards. Nothing. Silence. So I scurry away.
Headed for the door. Uneasy, I'm jittery. My jaw won't stop shaking because I'm starting to worry that the growing silence of my nightmares might have been Eth.
A person cannot be the antidote to suffering. They are only the reason to such turmoil.
Life is full of too many tortuous to have it fall that easily away.
