Demons in my Head (Herunterdrücken Book 1)

Help Her

She stared into the darkness that had consumed her bed room. Only the occasional flash of light seemed to seep through the curtains as a car would drive by. She didn't have the will to get up and turn on the light, not because of some random excuse or laziness but, because she couldn't find the strength in herself. There was a heavy weight on her chest, one that only seemed to get heavier as she sat in the dark. No one ever noticed that she never moved from her room when she got home. They saw that smile she always wore and heard the words "I'm fine." And never looked any closer. Under all the laughter and the smiles was and emptiness that never seemed to leave her.

Now as she sat in her room, with the dead, cold, emptiness in her chest; she picks up her phone and turns it on. The glow of the screen casting eerie shadows around the room, some more haunting than others. She didn't seem to see any of it. Calmly she scrolled to her messaging screen and found the person she was looking for. The person she loved most in the world. She typed a message to him hoping that he would be able to keep her from falling over the edge. She sent the message hoping words would come and give her hope. None came. She lay there wishing and, perhaps, hoping that tears would come. That she would be able to sob quietly into her pillow and when she was done that her body would sink into a dreamless sleep.

Though she slept often her dreams were often plagued with nightmares, leaving her disoriented and horribly scared. She wished that taking a sleep aid wasn't the only way to get rid of the dreams. When she was away from home the dreams only became more real, so she didn't sleep. There was a tiredness in here bones that had settled there and didn't seem to want to leave. She felt lost. The one person she thought she could count on to be her guiding light never answered her desperate plea for help.

The light from the screen of her phone faded away and shadows overcame the patches of light in the room. She was drowning and there was no one, no one, there to save her. She knew that her body would soon force her to sleep and to endure the horrible nightmare. She knew that she would wake up her face wet with the tears that she would shed over a dream that she could no longer remember. Then she would get dressed and clean her face so that her sadness could not be taken as a weakness. She would utter the words "I'm fine" to many people the next day and they would nod and carry on with their lives and conversations as though nothing happened before. She knew that the next night would be harder than this one and she knew that she wouldn't be able to escape the ache in her chest.

The thoughts plagued her until the heavy need for sleep kicked in and she drifted off. She awoke many times that night. Slight sounds disturbed her rest or she would jolt awake trying to escape a nightmare. After waking many times she lay awake, staring at nothing in particular in the wee hours in the morning too tired to try to sleep again. Nothing would cure the demons that ran in her head. She picked up her book, trying to concentrate on the words scrawled on the page. Nothing seemed to interest her anymore. The shows she used to love, the books she had read so many times the spine was cracked in the spots she loved best, her family: she hid from them, and her friends, whom she loved dearly made excuses to not see them. Even when she did do something it never gave her the sense of satisfaction that it used to. Now she gets scared over little things that didn't used to. She knew that she used to be able to make friends easier than most but, now the words would catch in her throat and she would feel so shaky that one would assume she was sick. There was a tightness that seemed to las in her muscles and never leave. There was a frown pasted on her face when she was alone and no matter what she did it never seemed to leave. When there were people she plaster such a persona on herself that no one seemed to see her pain.

The only time she felt at ease was when she was in his arms, safe and tucked away from the world. She could allow herself to slip away in her mind, to rest, and to be at peace. There was only the inky warm blackness that allowed her to rest and regain some strength that had been lost. She could sit there for hours in that warm blackness, only moving when requested. Only then would the tired ness that was in her body melt way and the nightmares leave her. Now, now he's stopped looking behind the mask that she's put up. He can't see how hurt she is. He stops holding her. And eventually he stops asking.

Every night now she can't stop herself from staring at the knife on her desk, waiting to be used, to slide into her flesh and let her life blood seep out of her wrists and onto her stained carpet floor. But then she thinks about how her family would feel if they came in and saw her body splayed on the floor in a pool of blood. How her mother would see her cold, pale face and scream, crying for her baby to come back, and how her little sister would be so confused, and her usually stoic father would fall to his knees wonder how he didn't see it. There would be tears shed over her and she doesn't want that. She wants to simply disappear from existence without hurting anybody. But she knows that can never happen and so she suffer from day to day, living out her painful and meaningless existence.

Every now and then, there will be this spark of happiness that lasts only for a few minutes and then the darkness will come sweeping in to wipe it from existence. Some nights its not thoughts or even nightmares, it memories that haunt her, making her wonder what she did to deserve it all. "Why did this happen?" she would ask herself as she lay in the darkness that surrounded her. "Why do I always feel this way?" "Why can't I feel happy?" "What did I do wrong?" These questions burn in her mind all night and then, as she slips into sleep they become demons, ripping apart all hope that this can get better. Now, no words of encouragement come from him and she feels so lost and in the dark. She knows he loves her but, she just can't understand, "why?" The demons in her head slowly destroy her, so much so, that she never considers her family when she stares at the knife or pill bottle; she only thinks of the peace death will bring.