Monster in my Mind

Chapter four

"Mom, we need to talk." I drink green tea as I say this to her in the kitchen as she fries up bacon for my brother and I. She turns towards me with a hand on her hip. "Mmhmm, that doesn't sound good." I roll my eyes and release a small smile. I'm nervous to ask but already know what the answer is. "So I'm going to a new school. And I was thinking, maybe I want to try a little harder to look nice. I came up with the idea of a beauty allowance. Like, you give me a certain amount of money a month and I can put that towards aesthetic stuff, like getting my hair and nails done." I take a breath and hold it in, waiting for an answer. There is a pregnant pause.

"Well", she starts slowly, mulling over her thoughts. " I am very excited that you are trying harder, and I'm also very happy that you came to me with this idea." She drains the disgusting grease from the shiny strips of salt and pork. I crinkle my nose at the smell. Any meat makes me want to throw up. "I think that it is a good idea. Kind of like an allowance. We'd be able to do that, but that means you would have to work for it." My hopes got high and fell at the mention of the last portion. "What kind of work?" I question skeptically, taking another long sip of my tea. "Probably something around the house, Quinn. Like do laundry. Sweep the floor. Mop it. Dust. Do the dishes. Take the dogs for a walk. Feed the cats. Vacuum because the Lord knows that doesn't get done enough. If you do stuff like that around the house, then I would be happy to give you money. How much are we talking about here?" I think. I'm not going to tell her about all that I'm getting, but I still think money for it would be nice. "Maybe $130." She smiles, knowing this is well within budget. She gets a pretty paycheck for her job at her workplace, and so does my dad Craig. "By the way, you are going to your dads house this next week." All of my happiness fled.

This is something I forgot to mention. Craig isn't actually my dad, no matter how much he is. No, my actual dad is an asshole. He's a plastic surgeon, and he's just the most assiest ass there ever was and ever will be on this earth. And he drinks. A lot. Of course, my mom doesn't know that the assery still continues, and she also doesn't know about the extent of the partying. He's good at hiding stuff. Maybe that's where I get it from. "Do I have to?" She knows the extent of my disdain for my dad. "Yes, Quinn, you and Parker have to go. No choice. It's in the divorce papers. Plus Parker loves your dads house." Also not mentioned. Parker is my twin brother. He was born a few minutes before me, so his name starts with a p. My name starts with a q, which is next in the alphabet. My parents didn't want two q names, plus they will never forget who is older this way. " I guess" I mumble. The only good thing that comes from being at my dads every other week is the fact that he is rarely home except for sleeping and parties. He lives on the other side of this town, which was considered another small bonus for my mom. This way, Parker and I don't have to drive so far to see my dad. I don't understand. Wouldn't this make her uncomfortable? "Doesn't living in the same town as the guy you were married to before make you the least bit uncomfortable?" I question her. My mom rolls her eyes and laughs. "Quinn, Easton is a very large town, and Paul happens to live on the other side of it. I don't have to ever see him. It's as if we are living in two separate universes. And, I do not hate your father. He and I just grew apart and had different interests." I can't argue with that.

Their divorce wasn't messy. It happened in fifth grade. The two just had different lifestyles in mind, my moms a family and my dads a party scene, and it drew them apart. There parents, my grandparents, are good friends which makes it slightly awkward. Seeing as there is no fighting this, I mutter a half ass okay. " when do we have to go?" I ask, trying to hide the irritation in my voice. "Sunday afternoon. The school is a little further from his house then ours, but that's ok. You have a car for a reason, sweetie." I roll my eyes at her. What a ham. "Okay, I'm going to go out. Can I have that money now?" My mom laughs. "Have you done any chores?" Crap. "I, um, cleaned my room?" She laughs, but hands me the money anyways. "Ok. Have a good time. Stay out of trouble." She serenades me with the thing all mothers say to their children.

Sweet freedom.
I grab my purse and put the money in it. Now I can go and accomplish my checklist. Nothing is more satisfying than being able to cross something off of it. I drive out of the driveway with my Voltswagen Bug, honking the horn as I leave. I hook up my phone to Bluetooth and the sound of Nirvana drifts through the speakers. I smile and let out a breath. It's always nice to be by myself. A thought hits me. Maybe. I'm by myself. My mom hasn't let me go anywhere by myself for a long time. This is a first. This means that I can stock up on weight loss necessities. I squeal in excitement.

$300 is enough for this shopping trip. I already had money in my purse, left over from the last time at my dads house. Paul throws money around like crazy, but with a good job and rich parents, he can afford to do that. I drive to the mall first. When I get back in my car, I have a bag full of the goods: raspberry ketones, weight loss pills, fat burning pill, ex-lax, green coffee extract pills, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, lemon, and lots of breath-mints. I feel guilty. This is why my mom hasn't let me out by myself in a long time- I buy shit like this. I feel bad. Maybe I should do something for her. I call her and ask her if I could stop by the pharmacy and pick up my medication. She responds with a yes and says thank you a lot for running their for her. See, I have a lot of meds as previously mentioned. Parker only has one. ADHD is very present in that kid.

I walk into the pharmacy and greet the guy at the front. "How are you today?" The man with the snowy hair greets me. I freeze. Do I tell him that I am absolutely bouncing off of the walls excited? "Fine thanks! I was wondering if there was any medication here for the Rays. We switched pharmacies recently and I guess I was just wondering if our stuff was here yet". Wow. That was a pathetic usage of words Quinn. D-. He smiles and ignores my Social awkwardness. "We sure do. And what is your name?" "Quinn Ray", I respond. He smiles and walks back into his lair of medications and drugs. "Here you are, Quinn. Is your mom paying for this later?" I nodded my head yes, and he told me to have a good day. I can't believe that was that easy. But I also did horrible talking. Wonderful. I looked into the bag and made sure all of the medication was there: Effexor for the anxiety and depression, Strattera for the ADHD, Ambien for the insomnia, and Craig's blood pressure medication, propranolol, which also helps with my chronic migraines. My family is weird. I have to have a pill case and I am 17 years old. If it weren't for these things, I would never sleep, I would have dehabilitating migraines, I would constantly want to just die, and I would be throwing up everywhere and having panic attacks if anyone tried to have a conversation with me. My brother would just bounce off of the walls and get worse grades probably. I am driving and see a hair salon. I know it's destiny.

It didn't take long for me to get a spot. "You have beautiful hair, darlin" said the lady with the obnoxious southern accent and the permed hair. "Just what do you want to do with it?" I look in the mirror. I can't tell her I want to be prettier. I have to say something realistic and accomplishable. "I want to color it blonde." She doesn't miss a beat. "Alright, what color of blonde?" She pulls out a chart that has different blondes. I see the lightest, most platinum blonde and I imagine myself in it. Long, flowing blonde hair. A step closer to perfection. My hair is also unimaginably thick. She's going to have a hard time with this. "The lightest shade you can get. I want it bleach blonde. Also, can I dye my eyebrows?"
$200 later, I return to my moms house with bleached hair, dyed and trimmed eyebrows, tanned skin from a tanning bed, fake nails, and a whole lot of medication.

End of flashback. This is where my story actually starts.