It hurts | Troye Sivan fanfic

2

I let the phone keep ringing until voicemail took the call. I wasn't ready to talk to Connor yet, not now.
I stood up to put my camera away, and my phone started vibrating again.

Why won't he stop calling me?

I reached down to my phone and picked up the phone
"Troye" I could hear Connors voice shaking through the phone.

"What is it" I said, tryna sound like I didn't give a shit.

"I had a nightmare-- about the incident-- we have to tell someone"

"NO! I mean, we fucked up, but we can't tell anyone we can't let anyone know, your business is getting bigger and bigger and I've been asked to perform at many venues, we can't let this ruin our success."

"I miss you" I could hear him start to cry.
This is what made me angry. The fact how he always somehow manages to make his way back into my life. How he can just make me fall in love with him over and over again. He screwed me up, and I was so blinded with love I couldn't even tell.

My thought train got interrupted by the monotonous sound you hear when someone hangs up the phone.

I watched myself burst into tears and collapse into my bed, burying my head into my pillow. I watched myself  heaving with agony from the pain I was experiencing at that point in time.

But I didn't feel a thing

---

I woke up, the sun was still shining but less harsh than earlier. I hadn't even realised I'd slipped into sleep. I got up, and my body felt like it weighed 100kg. I slowly walked into the bathroom, making sure I didn't pass out from the wave of a head rush rippling through my body.

I stood in front of the mirror, and looked at my eyes, which were bloodshot and puffy from me crying. I looked at my torso and cringed. I'm so skinny, it's hideous. I tensed my bicep, and exhaled loudly at the tiny hints of muscle showing. I then looked at my forearm, and quickly looked away, avoiding looking at the prominent scars.

I lowered my boxers, and got into the shower. Whilst the hot water was burning my back, I hummed a song from a skit I produced back when my YouTube channel was active.

"I scrubbing my back, I'm scrubbing my back"

I missed when I'd upload to YouTube, when Tyler, Connor, Zoe, Alfie and I would have group Skype conversations that made me laugh so much my stomach hurt.

I missed having an outlet where I could just be me and be praised for that.

"I'm scrubbing around, I'm scrubbing the walls"

I kept humming the tune of the song while I turned the water off. I picked up a damp towel from the floor, and wrapped it around my waist.

I caught sight of myself again in the mirror. I felt both disgusted and embarrassed at how prominent my ribs were, and how hollow my face has been getting.

I should eat.

I walked downstairs, hoping that neither my parents were there.
Questions are the last thing I want right now.

"Troye?" I heard my dads deep voice echo through the hallway.
"Yes dad" I replied
"Why did you stay upstairs for so long?"
"I took a nap, I felt shook"
"Are you sure you're ok?" He said, the concern in his voice pissing me off. I knew what would shut him up.

"Connor called. He told me he missed me. Take a guess whether I'm ok or not."
I walked past my dad who was in shock, and strolled into my kitchen. I opened the cupboard door, and reached for the frosted flakes on the top shelf.
When I finally reached them by jumping, I got out a bowl and poured the cereal in the bowl, followed by skim milk.

Maybe if I had full fat milk I wouldn't be so disgustingly skinny?

Maybe if I didn't breathe I wouldn't care.

I went to our dinner table and sat down, slowly chewing on my frosted flakes. I saw my dad leaning against the staircase, whispering into his phone,

He's either talking with my shrink, or with mum. I don't know which one was worse.

My cereal started to taste foul in my mouth. I lost the will to eat.

When I walked to the sink, I caught a bit of what my dad was saying.

"We shouldn't have let him get this screwed up"